Philip Seymour Hoffman in 2014 at the age of just 46 was a tragic and stark reminder that addiction does not discriminate. However as shocking and sudden as his death may have seemed to the public, to those closest to him it was a horrific inevitability of sorts.
Hoffman’s longtime partner Mimi O’Donnell, whom the late actor had three children with, has opened up about the devastating effect Hoffman’s death has had on her family for the first time since he was found dead on February 2nd, 2014.
In a lengthy essay for Vogue, O’Donnell reveals that it’s only now – nearly four years later – that she and her family can speak of Philip without emotionally crumbling.
It’s been almost four years since Phil died, and the kids and I are still in a place where that fact is there every day. We talk about him constantly, only now we can talk about him without instantly crying.
O’Donnell details the deep sense of dread she felt after learning that Hoffman had begun using heroin again. Hoffman, a recovering addict, had been sober for 20 years. However a demanding schedule on the 2012 Broadway production of Death of a Salesman caused him to relapse, resulting in a 2013 admission to his family that he was using again which lead to a stint in rehab.
The essay recalls how Hoffman managed to stay sober for three months, but a trip to Atlanta to film The Hunger Games caused Hoffman’s addiction to rear up once again, and in a fashion that O’Donnell sensed he would not survive.
As soon as Phil started using heroin again, I sensed it, terrified. I told him, ‘You’re going to die. That’s what happens with heroin.’ Every day was filled with worry. Every night, when he went out, I wondered: Will I see him again?
For the first time I realised that his addiction was bigger than either of us. I bowed my head and thought, I can’t fix this. It was the moment that I let go. I told him, ‘I can’t monitor you all the time. I love you, I’m here for you, and I’ll always be here for you. But I can’t save you.
And as for his untimely passing, it occurred so quickly after returning from the set of The Hunger Games that, despite her own morbid mental preparation, it caught O’Donnell completely off-guard.
It happened so quickly. Phil came home from Atlanta, and I called a few people and said that we needed to keep an eye on him. Then he started using again, and three days later he was dead. The circumstances of Phil’s death were so public — people around the world knew he was dead an hour after I did — and every detail, from the days leading up to his overdose to his funeral, were, and remain, all over the internet. And so I need to keep the rest of that awful time private.
I had been expecting him to die since the day he started using again, but when it finally happened it hit me with brutal force. I wasn’t prepared. There was no sense of peace or relief, just ferocious pain and overwhelming loss. The most difficult — the impossible — thing was thinking, How do I tell my kids that their dad just died? What are the words?
The entire essay is an intense but vital account of a family dealing with addiction, as well as an intimate look at the last days of a powerhouse man revered by the industry and fans alike.
You can peep the full thing over at Vogue.
