If you thought that the celebrations that took place after the Philadelphia Eagles bested the Minnesota Vikings a couple of weeks a go was full berko then please prepare your butts for what you’re about to witness.
Now that the underdogs have snatched the world championship title from the grasp of Mr. Grumpy-pants himself, Tom Brady (and the rest of the New England Patriots I guess, but I swear it’s the Tom Brady Show feat. Rob Gronkowski).
After Philly’s authorities went one step further than Crisco and greased the city’s poles with actual motor oil, the whole city has turned into a massive party, with punters charging through the streets chanting “FUCK TOM BRADY” and“BIG DICK NICK“ to honour their quarterback, Nick Foles. I’m sorry friends, but I’m pretty sure Philly is going to be nothing but rubble by the time the sun rises in the US.
Let us, we who don’t quite understand city-wide sports celebrations beyond knocking back a couple of cold ones and yelling “CARRRRRRN”, see what a real whole city lockdown looks like.
This is just incredible. So many Eagles fans out there and I’m sure there will be absolutely nobody working tomorrow whatsoever.
Clearly the oil trick didn’t work, because these eagles are scaling light poles like a piece of piss.
Last time we had a dude sitting on a car, now there’s this chick STANDING on a fucking car. Come on this is dangerous.
This kid dancing on a car is all time though. I know it’s way past your bedtime buddy but dammit you stay up all night little mate.
— Stephen Gutowski (@StephenGutowski) February 5, 2018
The best thing to do when your team wins the big game? Climb a goddamn garbage truck and get chanting.
This guy’s so fuckin’ razzed he ate…literal shit off the ground? What the fuck are you doing there my guy? Why?
Forget climbing poles, people in Philly have TAKEN THEM OUT OF THE GROUND
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) February 5, 2018
And if you can’t manage to climb that pole I guess you can always just…take it out of the ground entirely.
PHILLY IS LITERALLY LIT! 👀 pic.twitter.com/uxiADLMmpa
— SB Nation (@SBNation) February 5, 2018
THEY’RE LITERALLY SETTING THE CITY ON FIRE.
— Fanatics View (@fanaticsview) February 5, 2018
And pushing over cars because why the fuck not.
People yelling “Everything is free,” looting, trashing this gas station. Damn it, Philly we better than this. pic.twitter.com/WecXaAmrFh
— Stephanie Farr (@FarFarrAway) February 5, 2018
Ok this is not cool, come on Philly don’t bloody loot your OWN businesses. This is some god damn Pats fans behaviour.
The Ritz canopy has collapsed pic.twitter.com/9LBolLtIPY
— Busted Coverage (@bustedcoverage) February 5, 2018
This is super worrying though. Fans were climbing the awning of the Ritz Hotel downtown, jumping off it, and the whole thing collapsed with a bunch of punters on top of it. We’re not sure if anyone was hurt but god damn I’m hoping everyone is okay.
Some out of hand Philly fans are literally kicking in windows of department stores which is also extremely not cool. I think this is descending into a fully-fledged riot.
I know it’s your first championship win since the big National Football League/American Football League merger in 1966 but please, stay safe out there, Eagles fans and for the love of God don’t burn down the Hardee’s.
We are excited to serve everyone biscuits tomorrow morning at our Philadelphia location but in order to do that it needs to be not burned down please
— Hardee’s (@Hardees) February 5, 2018