The lord of darkness himself, the dishonourable Peter Dutton, has broken his silence after he was spotted deepthroating a dagwood dog at the Royal Queensland Show. If there’s anything the Liberals love more than concocting wicked schemes from their caves, it’s having absolutely no media awareness.

In case you missed the picture in question, here it is:

It’s ridiculous, it’s phallic, it’s given me a de-rection.

Although it’s extremely suggestive, let’s keep all our comments in line, please. You can say he’s giving the dagwood dog some premium glug-glug 6000 turbo succ, but don’t go comparing him to gay people. Queer folks do NOT claim this monster from the sack lagoon.

Moving on.

Dutton felt the need to address these scandalous piccies that emerged from the Ekka public holiday by joining 104.1 2Day FM’s breakfast show Hughesy, Ed & Erin.

That was probably because it’s the only show in Australia that will let him into the building.

“With the cameras there, I mean you can’t eat it from the side because the sauce drips off like Bill Shorten, so it leaves one angle and it’s not a great one.”

You have to admit, Dutton really is a self-aware creature menace abomination horror beyond human comprehension fuckwit king!

Dutton was also asked about his choice to purchase a Milkybar show bag at the Royal Queensland Show. For some reason, this is also a big deal amongst people who spend too much time reading The Guardian.

Let me explain it to you simply before my brain collapses under the weight of how idiotic Aussie politics can be. Essentially, Kevin Rudd was always called the Milkybar kid because of how much he looks like him. There, that’s it. Suddenly it’s a big deal that Dutton is purchasing a Milkybar show bag.

Folks could be asking Dutton about serious shit like his abhorrent history with offshore detention but alas, here we are, watching them stay focused on a Kevin Rudd chocolate bar.

“I went to the show bag stand and bought a [Milkybar] show bag along with a Bertie Beetle bag as well and next thing I’m accused of trying to portray an image of Kevin Rudd when he was known as Milky Bar Kid.”

“Most of my mates actually were pretty rapid-fire texting me like, ‘WTF’, but anyway, what do you do.”

I cannot believe this is even something Dutton has to explain. Heaven forbid he was carrying around a bag that secretly showed his support for an ex-Prime Minister. Heaven forbid.

Image: Getty Images / Dan Peled