People Hoping For Good Luck & Cash Are Buying & Worshipping Lizard Dicks

World Animal Protection have discovered that the hemipenes of endangered Indian monitor and Bengal lizards are being sold as “Hatha Jodi”, a plant root with special properties, by online retailers such as Amazon, Ebay, Alibaba and Etsy. 
The hemipenis is one of a pair of hemipenes, the sex organs of lizards and snakes, held inverted within the body until they are everted during sex, kinda like a human dick, in that it becomes erect for sexy time. Lizard biology facts! Boom!  
Hatha Jodi meanwhile is a type of root found in central India that looks kinda like a human arm with a clenched fist. 
The supposed benefits of the root are said to be many: good luck, wealth, attractiveness, and protection from harm. 
How does this wonder root work? Can I put it in a soup with my kale? Questions!
Apparently these powers only come about if you worship your root properly, by following these four simple steps!  
  1. Wash it in water from the Ganges. 
  2. Place it in a red cloth to dry. 
  3. Dip it in raw mustard oil to preserve. 
  4. Profit (place it in a devout place for future/continual worship). 
But investigators and scientists from India and the UK have found protected lizards are being caught and killed for their dried peen, to meet online demand for the root. 
It’s actually super fucked: some are having their throats slit or their skulls smashed in before their genitals are removed, while others are still alive during the process. Gruesome.
Dr Neil D’Cruze, lead scientist, said:
We were shocked at the sheer audacity and scale of this illegal wildlife trade.

Deceitful dealers claiming to sell holy plant root labelled as ‘Hatha Jodi’ are in fact peddling dried lizard penis to their unwitting customers.

These illegal items are readily available online with potential street value of £50,000.” 
Scientists in Manchester and India carried out laboratory tests, finding not only that some of the Hatha Jodi is in fact dried lizard D, but that some are just plastic moulds of dried lizard D. Double scam. 
Trade of monitor lizards or their body parts is a crime, under the Indian Wildlife Protection Act. The Convention on the International Trade in Endangered Species of Flora and Fauna also prohibits the commercial trade of Bengal and yellow monitor lizards.  
World Animal Protection are calling on all international online retailers to remove all illegal lizard body parts being traded as Hatha Jodi.
Photo: Neil D’Cruze