Pedestrian’s Guide To School Formals

It’s that time of year! The very incredibly special time of year when your mate Gavin, who’s never shown any interest in clothing that isn’t made of boardshort material, suddenly starts making appointments at suit rental places. When Phoebe from your maths class shows up in a practise fake tan that looks like someone broke into her room and replaced her normal skin with the outside of a BBQ chook.

Yes, it’s Formal Time; the ancient Australian tradition participated in by all and mastered by only the very, very few. Luckily, you just gained a powerful ally in your dag-to-#swag quest: us! Here’s a quick and dirty guide to your formal:

DON’T SPEND TOO MUCH.
If you’re lucky – as most of us living in a first world nation are – your parents are helping you out with the costs your end of year celebration situation will incur. Still, though, spending hundreds and/or thousands of bucks on your formal is questionable at best. Like, where’s your chill? #tryless

DO AVOID ANY CLOTHING THAT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE FOOD. 
Girls – that shiny pink dress with white detailing certainly is eye-catching. But why? One simple reason: it looks like the outside of a delicious cake. That means that when you’re in it you’ll look like the inside of a cake, and no one wants to look like a cake, outside of certain visitors to certain internet websites.

Guys – yes, your local menswear shop stocks a dazzling array of rental suits that leave the classic black tux in the dust. But put that yellow three-piece number back on the rack, friend. You will look like a banana. Do you want to be remembered as the guy who looked like a banana at formal? You do not. Instead, keep it classic! Think of a classy celebrity. What would they wear? Wear something that looks like that!

via Getty by Anne-Christine.

DON’T BOTHER GETTING YOUR DATE A CORSAGE. 
Like, what even is a corsage? Nobody knows. 

 

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DO THINK LATERALLY ABOUT YOUR TRANSPORT.  
OBVIOUSLY, an essential part of the formal is showing up in the sickest ride you can muster. Vintage Rolls Royce Silver Ghost? Excellent choice. Horse and carriage driven by a an old guy in a top hat? But of course. Monster truck with mad flames painted on the side? Hella yes. But these options – while undeniably badass – can be pricey, which is why it’s a good idea to think laterally about your transport. You and five of your besties rolling up in full formal attire on your BMXes? You just made a statement at a fraction of the cost. Sitting pretty in the front shovel of your uncle’s bulldozer? Now that’s SWAGricultural.

DON’T GET THE FISH OPTION. 
Formal dinners are like aeroplane food: they’re technically food. As such, you can use them to line your stomach, but don’t expect them to good for much more. And never, EVER get the fish. It’s just not going to work out.

DO TAKE IT SLOW. 
Pedestrian is certainly not condoning any kind of underage drinking, but IF we were (which we’re not), we’d advise you to take it slow. The best and easiest way to destroy your formal experience is to pre-game a few too many glasses of champers and end up dozing off in your chair with a cheeky trail of vom down your front. (#fruitialexiadoesnotmakeyousexia). Pace yourself! You’ve got #memories to make. And it looks better if you can walk in a straight line when you’re heading up on stage to accept your award for ‘Most Likely To Be A Total Hunk/Babe.’ 

DON’T JUST INVITE THE MOST POPULAR PERSON IN YOUR YEAR TO BE YOUR DATE. 
They might be super hot and have, like, 3000 followers on Instagram, but would you even know what to talk to them about? Instead, invite your best friend/bf/gf/neighbour who you have a crush on. You’ll have a better time at the formal part, and when the INformal part (aka the afterparty) kicks in – well, then it’s pash open season. 

DO EMBRACE YOUR TEACHERS’ TERRIBLE ‘80S/’90S DANCE MOVES. 
You’ve got a rug to cut, and the dance moves of the decade that style forgot are an essential part of any repertoire.

DON’T FORGET TO HAVE AN INSANELY FUN TIME.
Whether you’ve been planning for your formal for months or literally could not care less, make sure on the night you’re primed and ready to have the BEST time. You’re about to attend one of the biggest, weirdest parties you’ll ever go to, so be chill, be classy, and by the end of the night you’ll probably be smooching the boy/girl you’ve always wanted to smooch. Probably. (Don’t sue us if it doesn’t happen).

DO REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE AN AUTONOMOUS HUMAN BEING. 
We live in a universe of infinite potential. Your very existence on this Earth is a testament to cosmic opportunities seized; twists and turns of fate that, against staggering odds, have allowed you to be born and grow and attend your formal. Anything is possible! WIth that in mind, please feel free to ignore all of the above advice and make decisions for yourself. You do you. 

With special thanks to Gracie Triglone.