Real talk: I’m not keen on politics. I know this is not a socially responsible attitude to have but at least it’s the truth. My loyalty lies with no one party, I prefer to hate them all equally. And it doesn’t help that all Australian politicians seem to be behaving like reactionary dickheads right now. In the dice game Yahtzee if you throw a roll you’re not happy with you can pick up all the die and do a total re-roll. That’s what Australian politics needs. A total re-roll. That’s not going to happen any time soon so I’ll have to keep on hating them all. If you want to hate them too, here is a collection of insights and hints that can help you do it.
BE REASONABLY UNEDUCATED ABOUT POLITICS
The less you know the less complicated it is to hate!
MEANLY TARGET ANY DEFINING PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS
Immature schoolyard name calling is always effective. Julia Gillard has red hair. Kevin Rudd strongly resembles a toad. Tony Abbott has large mouse-shaped ears and a receding hairline. Peter Costello’s face looks like a circumcised penis. Use those kinds of defining physical traits for adding meanness into any mentions of politicians. For example, it feels much better to blame “that stupid ranga” when it comes to complaining about the X tax.
Photo by Greg Wood for Getty Images
NEVER GET TO KNOW THEM PERSONALLY
Have you ever used the words “once you get to know [insert person’s name] he/she is actually okay”? We’ve all been forced to eat our hats for unfairly judging someone from afar at one point or another. People do dick things in business every day, but at the end of that day they go home to family and friends who love them. Don’t get close to politicians. Getting to know who they really are will only humanise them and possibly make you like them and – worse – understand them. Let them act like douche lords in public and keep them at arm’s length at all times.
WORK IN THE MEDIA
If you work in the media you can use thinly veiled metaphors in order to compare the former PM to that naked fat guy who won Survivor, or just make them look like an incompetent dunce on national television. Then you can sit back like a smug cat who’s just doing their job.
HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA
Trolling politicians (or any public figure, really) is the bread and butter of haters worldwide. From the anonymity of the Internet and the safety of your couch or place of work, you can make slanderous pronouncements about what a cock someone is with little to no chance of prosecution. Nothing beats @-ing Campbell Newman and calling him a ‘humanity hating toe rag’ with the hashtag #cunt simply because you can.
The Internet is also a good place for focusing on the lamer or more divisive agenda points of particular politicos via a fun visual format.
ALWAYS CARRY SPARE SHOES
Thanks to Drizzle for the main image