If you’re reading this, the odds are you’re situated quite snugly in Australia. Nice one! We hope your time / life here has been swell. If we’re still speaking statistically, you probably haven’t been to the United States of America. Those of you that have taken your good selves over to the States may not have ever encountered an Outback Steakhouse, either. 

What we’re getting at is the US restaurant chain, which purports to sell classic Australian fare, is notably separated from any significant number of Australians and their dietary proclivities. As such, the items on their “Australian” menu span from the atypical to the “good God what the HELL is that”.

Here’s an example of the former: 

Outback Steakhouse Ruin “Aussie” Food Again With New Deep-Fried Monstrosity

Weird, and certainly not the kind of thing you’d ever see served over a classic chicken parmy, but… well, it’s a far sight more acceptable than this nightmare:

Outback Steakhouse Ruin “Aussie” Food Again With New Deep-Fried Monstrosity

Maria Yagoda / PEOPLE. 

Yep. That right there is the Loaded Bloomin’ Onion, an appetiser (!!!) that the chain claim is an example of “bigger, Aussie-sized portions.” Essentially, it is a halal snack pack, devised by people who have never seen one – and aren’t clued in on the whole “bacon” issue. 

That bad boy is a clusterfuck of deep-fried onions, topped with chips, bacon, cheese, ranch sauce (a true Australian mainstay) and the hideous-sounding “bloom sauce.” Oh, it clocks in at a cool 9,800 kilojoules, too. Truly.

Regardless of how obviously wrong it is, Outback are rolling it out as part of their promotional “Big Australia” menu later on in the month, and yesterday they even fanagled a writer from People to tackle that absurd beast.

Maria Yagoda writes “when the server brought out the massive plate, I started sweating.”

“After five minutes of picking, oohing, ahhing and proclaiming that our diets “for real” would start tomorrow, I needed to take a brief repose.

It became as apparent as ever that two people eating this ginormous deep-fried pile was ill-advised.”

You don’t say.

the best part about being a news journalist is getting to report the stories that matter. this afternoon i got an exclusive first taste of the loaded bloom, a blooming onion with cheese bacon fries stuffed into it. look for the story tomorrow on @people

A photo posted by Maria Yagoda (@mariayagz) on

Spoiler alert: she and her mate couldn’t finish it, and presumably left the restaurant with a slightly dimmed view of their Antipodean friends. We’re so sorry, Maria. 

Regardless, look America, you win. You bloody win. Just don’t take our smashed avos – anything but the smashed avos. 

Source: PEOPLE / Mashable. 

Photo: Maria Yagoda / People.