Dearest Reckless Endangerment,
I trust this letter finds you well. It’s been many a year since I’ve had to share my disgruntled thoughts, the last being back in 2011 when Adam Sandler metaphorically punched me in the face with the release of Jack and Jill, but I feel this is a situation, nay, a crisis that must simply be addressed.
You see, I’ve had to watch in terror and anger as you post videos to your Instagram stories while driving on an often daily basis. My usual rule is to never make assumptions, but it’s clear that what you’re lacking in common sense, you more than compensate for in narcissism.
There just can’t be any other reason I can possibly think of as to why you’d choose to threaten the lives of other motorists and pedestrians, other than the fact that your desperate need for social validation clouds your better judgement.
Am I being a stick in the mud? Well, if not wanting to die because some moron thinks it’s funny to live-stream themselves macking on with a Maccas burger while steering with their knees, then consider me the muddiest stick to ever roam the earth.
In complete fairness, you’re not solely responsible for this serious misstep. Your followers who egg you on are just as culpable, but I sense their desire to encourage such unfortunate activities comes from a place of pity and an overarching motivation of reciprocity. They react to your online presence, you react to theirs. Tit for tat.
It’s a shame that our first encounter has to be this way, because other than your complete disregard for humans’ safety, you seem like a pretty good one yourself. You recycle, you look after your younger siblings, you water your plants. Why does your fundamentally good character waver so much behind the wheel? Is it because nothing has happened yet? Do you think you’re immune to having an accident or killing people with your car?
The cold hard facts are that if you’re behind the wheel, you have as much chance as any of having an accident. Moreso if you’re sending a bloody text. It may seem like an innocent enough habit, quickly glancing at your phone to add the crucial caption that ties your entire story together. And trust me, captions are crucial to any good post. That shot of your wine glass isn’t going to pull half the likes if you’ve got no witty content to back it up with. But, when your phone is flying out of your hand because you’ve just rear-ended a parked car, that caption will mean squat.
On your behalf, I conducted some research and it turns out that, unfortunately, none of the major Universities or Tafes offer a class in Defense Against The Self-Absorbed, so chances are that if you already measure your self-worth on how many likes you receive, you’re done for. No going back. See you later humility.
What we can do though, together, is work on containing your ego to places where other people’s lives aren’t riding on your ability to stay focused. Take a selfie in a park. Upload a photo of yourself in a museum, where people will assume you’re cultured and refined. Share a shaky video of yourself on that run you do once a month, captioned “back at it again, #fitspo“.
All of these alternatives make for better entertainment and you’re much less likely to mow down your 89-year-old neighbour’s cat, her only source of love in this godforsaken world.
Before anyone else reading this thinks, “Well this doesn’t apply to me, I only occasionally text my friends at stop signs. I’m not stupid enough to use social media while I drive”, I have unfortunate news for you. You’re just as stupid.
Yours Truly,
Common Sense
P.S. I’ve even gone and found an actual website for you to look at if, by some act of Satan, you still haven’t got the message. Educate yourself here.
P.P.S Seeing as you’re on your phone 24/7, might I suggest taking a look at the Do Not Disturb While Driving feature? Other motorists will thank you.
