Old Man (Sam Newman) Yells At Cloud (Greta Thunberg)

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Generally speaking, not one person should give a single solitary fuck about what Sam Newman has to say about anything ever. He’s a 73-year-old belligerent tosspot who once chucked a pissy tantrum because producers wouldn’t let him mock trans people on live TV. Nevertheless, he’s back in the news today, mere hours out from his thoroughly unearned television return. This time a 16-year-old has made him so unfathomably mad that he’s burst a capillary all over social media.

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Newman is the latest in a string of cranky old fuckwits to become utterly incensed at Greta Thunberg because she is refusing to shut up and die quietly on the flaming space rock they’ve left for her.

Taking to Twitter, the only platform he has left to freely spout his insane bullshit as age overtakes him and he slowly fades into the void, Newman labelled Thunberg an “annoying little brat,” a “shit,” and referred to the thrice-hundred proven climate crisis as “so-called” and a “hoax.”

Newman is set to take the stage tonight for the TV return of The Footy Show that very few, if any, people wanted. Channel Nine (who wholly owns this publication but refuses to let me heckle Peter Hitchener during news broadcasts) seems to have no problem funding and airing this frankly insane spectacle of wax museum minstrelism, and it appears unlikely Sam’s thesaurus-breaking efforts in the above will change that this close to air time.

There’s some solace to be had in the knowledge that Newman will probably shuffle off this mortal coil before climate change has a chance to melt the mound of plastic currently residing rent-free beneath the fabergé skin on his face. And that as far as wider public discourse goes, his petulant sooking represents a blip on the radar that’s shrinking as quickly as his bone density.

‘Course until then he’s free to write whatever insane, self-important screed he wishes on Twitter. Which just means he’s also able to be dunked on as spectacularly as this.

“Your house sucks shit man,” my god. What a beautiful, impenetrable burn.

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