Look, I’m a simple girl with simple needs. I don’t ask for much. A roof over my head that protects me from the elements. A room large enough that I can swing my legs over the right side of my bed without making contact with furniture or a wall. A shower head that emits water at a pressure which allows me to properly wash my thick, beautiful, mediterranean hair. But I draw the line at having to poo with an audience, like I would be forced to do in this cursed rental in North Adelaide because the bathroom is in the middle of the kitchen and has clear walls.

The kitchen is also in the bedroom because this rental only consists of one room. The disease of landlordism has spread so far and with such virulence that a sole room, which is your bedroom, bathroom and kitchen is now a “studio” and not something that is actively hostile to basic standards of living and costs between $400 to $420 per week.

Like: WHAT IS THIS?

A rental property with a glass cube bathroom next to the kitchen and a fireplace.
Behold… the glass turd box. Photo: realestate.com.au

I don’t know where to start. The frosted glass that is an offensive attempt at providing any semblance of modesty. The fact that the shitting cube door would clang into the fireplace, rendering what looks like quite a lovely, cosy piece of design completely useless. The carpet and mirror in the kitchen, which also doesn’t appear to have a stove.

A kitchen with white cabinets and walls, grey carpet and a mirror
At least… it has air conditioning. Photo: realestate.com.au

What I thought was a dishwasher is, in fact, a minibar-esque fridge that wouldn’t be out of place in a 3-star hotel. And cop that wildly inconvenient sink in the corner!

This house is exactly what I used to build when I played The Sims and couldn’t be assed faffing around with a fancy abode because I wanted to torment my Sims, so I wrangled the most foul facilities together and called it a home.

A tiled bathroom with a shower, sink, mirror and toilet
The tape on the mirror is a beautiful touch. Photo: realestate.com.au

As if crapping out turds with a view wasn’t bad enough, your bathroom is also the most floodable one in Australia.

And I hope you have no things because there is quite literally no where to store them. Even if you lived your life under the minimalist tenets of Marie Kondo, everything you put on the unprotected shelves would get soaked because the water from the shower would ricochet everywhere.

Bedroom in a studio apartment with a bed, white front door, desk and mounted television
The perfect property if you detest privacy! Photo: realestate.com.au

Here she is: The “open plan studio bedroom,” according to the listing. So open, your front door is in your bedroom (and kitchen and bathroom, et cetera) and there is a window without blinds or curtains that faces your bed. You can’t even move your bed because there is genuinely no other nook or cranny in this shitbox for it.

There will be absolutely no sex or entertaining in this house. Brought home a cutie from the club? You’ll have to hear and see them tinkle at 4am. Hosting a dinner party? Sorry, you need to stare at Dave as he takes a dump because the only viable place for a dining table is in front of The Cube™.

Except for the obvious issues with 4/201 O’Connell Street, which could easily pass as one of Dante‘s nine circles of hell, the listing has the gall to say: “Just bring your clothes and move into this gorgeous property in the heart of prestigious North Adelaide.”

Bring your clothes but abandon any deep-seated fears you have about shitting where you prepare your food.

Source: realestate.com.au