Ah, the newspaper classifieds. A wonderful and deeply cursed place filled with local ads, obituaries for old bats, the odd engagement notice and job listings that are definitely-maybe MLM recruitment scams. Every now and again there’s an absolute belter in the mix, and today we’ve been treated to a rip-snorter from over in the US.
An engagement notice for a couple in New Jersey has popped the fuck off for all the right reasons, including but not exclusively for references to shitty ex-partners, metaphors about diamonds and gold, a “delighted” son of the bridge, unnecessary mentions of intimacy and yearning, and an incredible white low ponytail that screams “yeah, I listen to jazz”.
I am begging you to read this engagement announcement from my parents’ local paper pic.twitter.com/3u0smQPRfX
— Evie Atom Atkinson (@evie_atom) December 9, 2021
The newspaper clipping announces the upcoming nuptials between one Dr. Matthew Johnson and a Miss Jennifer Bair Cullen, who are due to be wed in the late New Jersey winter of 2022.
It does all the usuals, explaining who their late parents are (because only old codgers who know other old codgers read the classifieds) and what the couple does for a crust. Then, it takes a bit of a turn.
“Colton Cullen, the son of the bride, is delighted to share in this miracle of love and devotion he’s witnessing for the first time in his life,” the notice reads.
“He would like to thank his stepfather for the genuine loyalty, honesty and protection that neither he nor his mother have ever known before.”
Uhh, what? Did Colton sign off on this? Why does this read like he’s an adult child who still lives in the basement bedroom? Does he know about this?
It goes on — because of course that isn’t the end of it.
The notice then likens Jennifer, the bride to be, to a diamond, which is “produced only under intense heat and pressure”. Apparently, Jen’s beauty has come from “enduring decades of narcissistic attempts to defeat her virtue and crush her spirit.”
Look, I dunno who Jen’s ex is here, but they have been reduced to rubble in one fell swoop here. Good lord.
As for main event Matthew over there, his character was compared to that of gold, for it has been “refined only through intense heat and flame”. Apparently, Matt’s former love interest gave him nothing but “decades of pathological contempt, deceit and hypocrisy, which failed to break him.
Again, can someone call the authorities, because a murder has been committed here on this day.
I am wheezing at this. Who the fuck wrote this! I mean we all know who wrote this — it was probably Jennifer and she definitely writes Mills & Boon romance novels in her spare time — but my God this is one for the ages.
Found some decorations for their wedding: ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
— THEE Rimonima ????????✡️ (@rimonima) December 9, 2021
The final knifing of this truly incredible engagement notice (yeah, let’s not forget that this is just the start of their lives together) lies entirely in the sign-off. A true “fuck you” to the people who apparently gave each of these two nothing but turmoil for decades, and not the “long-unsatisfied yearning for romantic attention” or the “gratifying intimacy like no man has ever experienced” that they both deserve.
“To put it simply: They won.”
THEY. WON.
Someone get the vapours, I’ve passed the fuck out. An incredible piece of writing, and I’m so glad we could share it together.
Congrats to the happy couple, may you go on to live a happy and deliriously unhinged life together. Or go down in a blaze of glory and publish it in the classies.
Update: Apparently he’s a fascist so uh, good luck!
Aaaaaaaaand he’s an actual Nazi
— Evie Atom Atkinson (@evie_atom) December 9, 2021
Those “decades of contempt” he endured may have something to do with him being a fascist 🙃 pic.twitter.com/G054c34XGm
— Tovarisch (@nwbtcw) December 9, 2021
