Ariana Grande Will Not Face Any Charges For Her Doughnut-Licking Ways
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Gentle readers, you can sleep soundly tonight, safe in the knowledge that doughnut-licker Ariana Grande has dodged any and all doughnut-licking charges currently facing her, and is free to continue placing her tongue on as many sugary desserts as she sees fit.
A video surfaced last week that showed Grande licking several trays of goods in a California doughnut shop, and people didn't know what to be angrier about, the obvious hygiene issue, or the fact that she followed up her licking by declaring "I hate America."
Cuz if you want a doughnut, you've gotta gotta gotta gotta got to lick it harder, and then throw pointed barbz at the land of the free and the home of the brave, apparently.
Over the weekend, the 'Break Free' singer released a video, explaining her actions and effectively setting the new standard for doughnut-licking apology videos.
Today, the owner of Wolfee Donuts in Los Angeles has confirmed that he will not press charges - presumably, because sales are way up, thanks to Ariana Army members hoping to get a little taste of their leader's rarefied spit.
"Local police and health departments are working together to determine whether any of the doughnuts licked by Ariana Grande were then sold to the public," is an actual sentence you just read.
Ms Grande would like to be left alone now, plz.