My poor mortal brain simply cannot comprehend how big moose are and I need to talk about it because it’s really fucked.

It’s a question that has consumed my brain for far longer than I care to admit: WHY ARE MOOSE SO GODDAMN BIG?!


They are simply too big. Mother Nature needs to take it back and start again because I do not accept this.

Until recently, I was under the impression that a moose was a similar size to a deer or a small horse, but then I discovered *just* how wrong I was.

They’re fucking huge. No, not in the way a race horse is big, or the way a really big dog is big. We’re talking “fuck off, bigger than your car, would kill you if you hit it” sorta big.

According to Mental Floss, a moose can grow up to 198cm hoof to shoulder. Yes, to SHOULDER. That’s not even including the neck, head and big, fuck off antlers. INSANITY!

They also weigh over 500kg, so they would quite literally crush you. I mean, talk about a metal animal, am I right?

But do you want to know the truly terrifying fact? They don’t even need to be that big because they’re basically a living, breathing weapon and I’m honestly surprised the US army hasn’t weaponised them yet.

In addition to their big fuck off antlers, they also have razor-sharp hooves that have the capability of mortally wounding a bear. Yes, a BEAR.

I don’t know about you, but I’m already shit scared of bears, so anything that has the power to kill a bear is simply a big “no” from me.

Take these images, for example. Here we’ve got a moose just walking past a suburban home, and just look at how much larger it is than the car in the driveway. I’m sorry but are we living in James Cameron’s 2009 cinematic masterpiece Avatar? Because that’s the only reason I can come up with as to why we need an animal like this.

If there are any moose reading this, if you could please email me and tell me why you need to be so big, I’d really appreciate it.

In conclusion: thanks, I hate it.