In what can only be interpreted as a dire warning for Melburnians that returning to normal brings with it the perils that we’ve all forgotten since lockdown began, the almighty Montague St Bridge has defied State Government directives by refusing to wait until 11:59pm tonight to resume normal operation. Instead, the loathsome bitch of a bridge has shown its might to citizens in broad daylight. Folks….. he’s back. Monty is back.

The monstrous bridge, world-renowned for its insatiable thirst for the metallic flesh of errant trucks, struck a short time ago. Its victim this time around? A classic meal of moving truck, freshly squeezed into its cavernous maw.

The truck reportedly failed to heed the warnings of safety gantries which caution ye who dare stray near the beastie’s path lest it peel the scalp off truck and trailer alike, and became perilously wedged just after 1:30pm this afternoon.

Reports filtering through 3AW confirmed the horrifying scene, with Monty simply holding the truck in her massive fucken mouth for all to see; aggressively displaying it like a dog with a new toy who refuses to let it go.

Unusually, a celebrity was on-hand to witness the carnage, in what can only be described as an escalation of efforts by the Montague St Bridge to show off her might as prominently as possible.

Retired Australian basketball great Chris Anstey chanced upon the scene, remarking that he was “just drove by it” and that they were “frantically trying to deflate tyres [crying laughing emoji].”

Monty herself declared her triumphant return on social media a short time ago, displaying the kind of confidence not seen since Michael Jordan‘s NBA return announcement in 1995.

What this means for the city of Melbourne remains unclear in these immediate – and terrifying – first minutes. What’s clear though is that the city has, over the course of lockdown, lulled itself into a false sense of security; that people seem to have forgotten that a “COVID normal” is still a normal with a foul and terrible threat that looms just south of the CBD.

The bridge has risen.

Melbourne is returning to normal.

Run.

Image: Twitter / 3AW