I wouldn’t call myself a Monopoly afficianado as such. A casual partaker? Perhaps. A sometimes enjoyer? Maybe. An infrequent participant? Almost certainly. But I imagine that, even if I lived and breathed the enduring and often ruthless capitalism board game; even if my life were dedicated to learning how to count Community Chest cards; even if I had Uncle Pennybags ghoulish visage tattooed on my ass; even if all that were true, one gripe I would not even dream of levelling at Monopoly would be “the game simply isn’t long enough.”
And yet, that is apparently an issue grand enough within the halls of Hasbro for the game giant to issue a new edition of Monopoly entitled “Longest Game Ever.” And it’s a version that not only stretches out the length of the average game to near-infinite proportions, but it somehow becomes even more unfathomably ruthless than ever before.
The Longest Game Ever version of Monopoly sports a triple-length board that sports three of every property. That’s three Baltic Avenues, three Boardwalks, and three of literally every other property. Crucially, utilities, railroads, and other associated squares have also multiplied. The frankly giant board sports 12 railroads, and 2 jail squares with associated Go To’s. Conceivably, you could land on a Go To Jail square twice before completing a full lap of the board, which is some real shit.
Unlike the standard version of Monopoly, which simply beats players down until they are financially crippled, the Longest Game Ever version continues until one person owns every property on the board, which makes it more like Boomer Pokémon.
Just try to draw the whole thing out to agonising lengths, the game only comes with one dice, removing doubles from the game entirely. Additionally, bankruptcy does not end a player’s game either: All money in the game comes with a perforated line and players are encouraged to rip their bills in half and use them separately, presumably because Hasbro knows the vast majority of people will only have the patience to play this once before burying it in the desert sand like Jumanji.
If, somehow, this torturous marathon sounds like your idea of a good time, the limited edition version of the game can be grabbed just in time for Christmas via Amazon.
There’s probably vastly more efficient ways of ruining a friendship, of course. But you do you.