With Victoria now virtually shut off from the rest of the nation, the southern state finds itself in the rather unique position of being the most isolated state in Australia; a mantle that, up until now, has been Tasmania’s and Tasmania’s alone. And as far as the Hobart-based Mercury goes, it’s a beautiful day indeed.

The Tasmanian newspaper has today dedicated its entire front page to, essentially, volunteering the state to take Victoria’s place on the mainland; casting all of Victoria’s landmass out to sea, and putting itself in its place, nestled gently betwixt South Australia and New South Wales.

Geographically, that still makes Hobart the state capital, roughly in the same spot Melbourne sits right now – although if we’re splitting hairs here it’d really be somewhere around where Lakes Entrance is right now, but that’s frankly close enough.

Launceston theoretically becomes the new bordertown partner of Albury in place of Wodonga, which is only going to amplify the Tasmanian north-south rivalry because that’s a shitty hand to be dealt.

Meanwhile north-west outpost Smithton is left to contend with the inhumane heat blasts of Mildura which should wipe out the town’s population entirely by November 12.

And that says nothing about the editorial decision to leave King and Flinders Islands exactly where they are, which is going to cause some complicated reactions among the islanders, all of whom are currently quite proud of their pandemic-free utopias while maintain their traditional virulent rage towards Tasmanian Government rule.

Overall, it’s an odd stance for a newspaper to be taking throughout this current crisis. But it’s one that I, personally, am ok with. Provided that when the land swap happens I get to stay exactly where I am now, here in whatever the south-eastern metropolitan centre of the Australian mainland is. It’s the only way I’ll be able to get home to Tasmania any time soon, realistically.