A Melbourne woman wiling away the lonesome evening hours on the phone last night was lost for words not only upon realising that she was learning so much about herself through a dialectic with a friend, but also when her pet snake revealed its inherent nature to be as evil as sin itself when it attempted to strangle her. 

According to The ABC and The Australian, the woman required treatment in hospital after her two-metre-long python – usually such a docile, nurturing creature – wrapped itself several times around her neck tightly enough to warrant a call to emergency services. 

Attending paramedic Jason Pitman reflected afterward that “the snake was wrapped quite tightly around her neck a number of times and started squeezing quite hard causing breathing problems. She had neck injuries and was suffering a headache and blurred vision due to the fact the snake had been wrapped so tightly around her neck.” That phrase, repeated thrice for the sake of emphasis and posterity: “The snake had been wrapped so tightly around her neck.”

Continued Pitman, “My partner and I have more than 35 years’ experience and neither of us have ever been called to a case like this.” The woman remains in a stable condition, having locked up her python before seeking treatment.

Ambulance Victoria added that they appreciated the woman’s final gesture, saying it’s “a good idea to lock up pets who might react to strangers in the home.” 

Also, it’s a good idea to lock up pets that might attempt to kill you.

In related newssnakes: nope, still fucked.

via The ABCAustralian

Photo: Ulet Ifansasti/Stringer via Getty