If Art Attack taught us nothing else it’s that the ground is merely a giant flat canvas upon which heaving great creative works can be painted; works that look like utter garbage close up, but become stunning vistas upon zooming way out. To that end, some modern day Rembrandt has been slathering gargantuan dicks across the lawns of several inner-Melbourne parks, leaving local council officials absolutely baffled.

The mighty hogs have popped up in parks across inner-northern suburbs Thornbury, Preston, and Northcote, and at ground level are reasonably inconspicuous. But Google Earth holds the key to the full story, showing each parkland dong in full, living colour, the largest of which measures well over 100 metres in length, which is a beastly schlong by anyone’s standards.

The heftiest of the wangs appears at TW Blake Park in Preston, with the mother dong accompanied by two similar, much smaller drone chodes.

As you can see, the primary cock stretches from the field’s boundary at the base, well beyond the cricket pitch in the centre of the ground, and across to the middle of the expansive grass surface.

A few kilometres down the road at John Cain Memorial Park in Thornbury, the playing surfaces of the Darebin International Sports Centre have also felt the kiss of the unidentified vandal’s phallic art.

The unmistakable style of the matching dongs makes it quite apparent that this is the work of a serial doodler. And those two efforts are merely the freshest ones.

In nearby Hayes Park, the remnants of two previous dicks can be seen etched into the grass; each cock beginning near park-side shrubbery and extending outward, stretching for the opposite end.

Darebin City Council Mayor Susan Rennie told Broadsheet that “fixing the affected ovals is complex, costly and time-consuming,” and that “Council is taking action to remove the graffiti, but it can take months for the grass to recover.”

No one has claimed responsibility for the hefty grass peens, which are believed to have been drawn at some point late last year.

But surely the impressive johnsons would be worthy of praise from even Neil Buchanan himself.

This is a shaft attack.

THIS is a shaft attack.

This is, Shaft Attack.

Source: Broadsheet