Oh good. Great. This is just fucking perfect. Absolutely pissing wonderful. As if – AS FUCKEN IF – the morning commute in Melbourne weren’t already enough of a waking nightmare as is, the State Government has today announced that Hoddle Street, a bitumen-topped hellscape and an infuriatingly vital arterial road through the city, will be closed for an entire week in January.
The closure is being done so construction workers can perform what the Government is calling a “much-needed upgrade” to the road, which services Melbourne’s high volume Eastern Freeway and acts as the main link between the city’s inner north-east, the sporting precinct, and the south-eastern suburbs.
Hoddle Street, every lane in both directions, will be completely closed between the Eastern off-ramp and Victoria Parade. As in, this entire godforsaken section:
The closure will begin at 12:30am on Sunday, January 7th and will last until 11:30pm on Sunday, January 14th, effectively putting the near-3km stretch of road out of action for 8 full days. In the meantime, motorists coming off the Eastern will either have to exit the highway at the Chandler/Princess St at Kew, or continue on to Alexandra Parade through Fitzroy and Carlton. Hell.
The timing of the closure was chosen to avoid both the Boxing Day Test Match at the MCG, and the Australian Open tennis at the neighbouring Melbourne Park.
State roads minister Luke Donnellan stated the closure was a good thing and not, in fact, an idea borne from the City Planning office at the Department of Satan.
What we have coordinated is an exercise to get in quickly, undertake the construction work we need to do the infrastructure works that Victorians will demand. You will find better flow, faster travel times, and the like.
The good news? If you’ve ever wanted to walk over the top of and endless stretch of completely stationary cars, your time is now.
Dog help us all.
