Ahh, the Melbourne Cup. A time to reflect on the abuse of animals that keeps the gambling culture in the country alive. A day when we realise that horse girls are a very real thing, but even worse are their counterparts: horse boys.

My PEDESTRIAN.TV comrades and I will forever say nup to the cup for a multitude of reasons, but it sure is fun to point and laugh at the ridiculousness of the rich white people who attend.

So come and join us in doing said pointing and laughing as we rank some rancid pics of punters from bad to worse. Giddy up! (Unless you’re a jockey, yuck).

1. Sonic the Flemingtonhog

If you told me there’d be speed at the Melbourne Cup I would not be surprised, but this action shot takes things to a whole other level.

melbourne cup
Zoom zoom motherfucker [Image: Getty Images].

2. Angwy Jockey

Look at the little guy, he’s so mad. Or is he happy? Confused? I can’t really tell.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
The Lannisters send their regards [Image: Getty Images].

3. Two Men Dancing

This is the most ridiculous game of musical chairs I’ve seen in my life.

melbourne cup
Two men enter into gladiatorial combat with grass — the winner WILL shock you [Image: Getty Images].

4. Four Men Not Dancing

The only thing that will give you pleasure in this image is probably the umbrella.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
This image gaslit me and told me I was a 3/10 in Bondi, 5/10 in the inner west [Image:Jake Nowakowski/News Corp].

5. Barefoot Contessa

If you don’t have shoes at home, store-bought is just fine.

melbourne cup
Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you [Image: Getty Images].

6. Oberyn vs The Mountain

A battle to the death. Grandstand? More like grand slam, amirite fellas?

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
Mrs Trunchbull and Amanda Thripp, reimagined, oil on canvas (circa 2022) [Image: Getty Images].

7. Jeremy Armitage

I swear Nedd Brockman at the Melbourne Cup looks like the brother from Get Out. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
How does he have two hairstyles at once? [Image: Getty Images].

8. Umbrella vs The People

Remind me why all of these people brave such shit weather? Do they not know that staying at home on the couch is an option?

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
After everything Rihanna taught us in 2007, you do this??? [Image: Getty Images].

9. Bareback Under The Gloomy Sky

The pot of gold (fake tan) at the end of the rainbow.

melbourne cup
Are you not embarrassed??? Girl this is embarrassing [Image: Getty Images].

10. Roz from Monsters Inc.

I understand you have to unwind after a long week of people not handing in their paperwork, but like this??

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
In my mind, all of those bottles and cans are hers [Image: Getty Images].

11. The Real Nightmare Before Christmas

Proof that money cannot buy you taste.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
If my funeral looks anything like this, I’m haunting every one of you fuckers [Image: Getty Images].

12. Melbourne Cup Mudslide

Charming.

melbourne cup pics
Me trying to bottom after Guzman y Gomez nacho fries [Image: Getty Images].

13. That Girl

We’ve all seen this woman at the club. She’s annoying, she’s way too lit and her friends have already left her to her own devices. It’s like 8pm girl, how are you this drunk already? Get out of the gay club, please.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
“Can you play ABBA?” [Image: Getty Images].

14. Triplets

None of these Melbourne Cup women look different to each other. It’s the same woman with a huge collection of wigs.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
My last three brain cells on a night out [Image: Jason Edwards/News Corp].

15. He Dive

The ridiculousness of the Melbourne Cup captured in a single image.

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
No caption, just watch in awe at the simplicity of man discovering that you cannot, in fact, dive head-first into grass. [Image: Getty Images].

16. He Hurt

Honestly, what did he expect?

We Ranked A Heap Of Rancid Melbourne Cup Punter Pics From Bad To Horseshit
Hahaha, suck it. [Image: Getty Images].
Image: Getty Images, Jason Edwards, Jake Nowakowski.