Ahh, the Melbourne Cup. A time to reflect on the abuse of animals that keeps the gambling culture in the country alive. A day when we realise that horse girls are a very real thing, but even worse are their counterparts: horse boys.
My PEDESTRIAN.TV comrades and I will forever say nup to the cup for a multitude of reasons, but it sure is fun to point and laugh at the ridiculousness of the rich white people who attend.
So come and join us in doing said pointing and laughing as we rank some rancid pics of punters from bad to worse. Giddy up! (Unless you’re a jockey, yuck).
1. Sonic the Flemingtonhog
If you told me there’d be speed at the Melbourne Cup I would not be surprised, but this action shot takes things to a whole other level.
2. Angwy Jockey
Look at the little guy, he’s so mad. Or is he happy? Confused? I can’t really tell.
3. Two Men Dancing
This is the most ridiculous game of musical chairs I’ve seen in my life.
4. Four Men Not Dancing
The only thing that will give you pleasure in this image is probably the umbrella.
5. Barefoot Contessa
If you don’t have shoes at home, store-bought is just fine.
6. Oberyn vs The Mountain
A battle to the death. Grandstand? More like grand slam, amirite fellas?
7. Jeremy Armitage
I swear Nedd Brockman at the Melbourne Cup looks like the brother from Get Out. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
8. Umbrella vs The People
Remind me why all of these people brave such shit weather? Do they not know that staying at home on the couch is an option?
9. Bareback Under The Gloomy Sky
The pot of gold (fake tan) at the end of the rainbow.
10. Roz from Monsters Inc.
I understand you have to unwind after a long week of people not handing in their paperwork, but like this??
11. The Real Nightmare Before Christmas
Proof that money cannot buy you taste.
12. Melbourne Cup Mudslide
13. That Girl
We’ve all seen this woman at the club. She’s annoying, she’s way too lit and her friends have already left her to her own devices. It’s like 8pm girl, how are you this drunk already? Get out of the gay club, please.
None of these Melbourne Cup women look different to each other. It’s the same woman with a huge collection of wigs.
15. He Dive
The ridiculousness of the Melbourne Cup captured in a single image.
16. He Hurt
Honestly, what did he expect?