Melbourne Aldi Offering Great Deals On Maggot, Fingernail, Metal Flavoured Food

It truly has been a great day for important news stories about foodstuff containing straight up fucked alien shit, with The Age today publishing a litany of complaints lodged by unsuspecting Melburnians who patronised Aldi supermarkets operating on the understanding that they would be receiving unbeatable value but who were left instead with machine shrapnel and maggots in their groceries. Mmm.

After a couple last week reported finding a maggot in a jar of tomato paste, more disgruntled patrons have since come forward with allegations they too have encountered other unwelcome, unwholesome additives in their Aldi-brand pantry staples, like fingernails. 
Imagine: the heretofore unexperienced mouthfeel of “a maggot crawling out” of a handsomely discounted marzipan and praline cream chocolate biscuit; the aromatic severed leg of a potentially poisonous starfish making a new home for itself in a tin of fairly-priced smoked mussels; a glittering chunk of metal in the bottom of a jar of peanut butter for added crunch and reward at having cleaned out the whole jar; and – my personal favourite – the unexpected twist of a well-manicured nail in a tub of salted caramel ice cream. Just imagine.

An Aldi spokesman has since clarified that the supermarket chain has investigated each of the issues raised by its valued Melbourne consumers, but deduced that this is not a widespread problem, as “there has not been an illustration of any trends”. IDK, Aldi spokesperson, as they say in fashion industry parlance, three’s a trend and you’ve got at least five pretty discernible fuck ups on your hands.

First Nanna’s, now Aldi. Pray for your dinner. 
Photo via The Age