Ahhh footy finals season — a beautiful time of the year where we put aside our political differences and gather around a field to eat fried food, sip overpriced beer, and yell at a bunch of sweaty dudes fighting over an egg-shaped ball in the mud. A beautiful time of year, truly.
It’s a time of drama, who will win the big trophy? Who will kick the ball through the big poles the most times?? It’s all very intense and important, but perhaps the most hotly contested debate of footy finals season is which is the supreme footy finals food? The grand meat pie? Or the majestic sausage roll?
My friends, we’re here to settle that debate.
Sausage roll pros
A solid meat pie is a two-handed ordeal. You’re really committing to the process man. This presents a predicament — where do you put your beer? On the floor? The cupholder maybe? If you’re lucky enough to have one. It’s all a bit of a kerfuffle. No such problem exists with the sausage roll.
See, the sausage roll needs just one hand. It respects you; it knows you’ve got other shit going on in your life. The sausage roll doesn’t demand your attention like the needy meat pie does. The sausage roll isn’t jealous, it isn’t possessive. The sausage roll trusts you. It wants you to have fun. The sausage roll looks at you seductively and says, hey, pick up that beer too baby, let’s turn this into a party.
Meat pie pros
As an esteemed writer, I do my utmost to avoid cliches, unless it’s absolutely necessary. The word ‘iconic’ is overused. And yet, there is no other way to describe the meat pie. Also, one cannot discount the sheer versatility the meat pie possesses. There are so many ways to experience its splendour.
When I was a kid, I would take the top off, put it neatly to the side of my plate, then add sauce to the meat and eat it by the spoon. Then I’d sauce up that lid and eat that, then move on to the delicious remainder of the base pastry, with more sauce as desired. A truly drawn-out five-star dining experience.
Then of course there’s the traditional chuck-sauce-on-top-and-eat-it-all-together method, and then there’s the variety of fillings a meat pie can involve. The meat pie is exciting, it gives you the variety the simple sausage roll could never give you. You made the right choice in leaving that loser. Don’t think about the kids, this is your time baby.
Sausage roll cons
It’s impossible to eat a sausage roll and look classy. The whole affair is a little bit embarrassing isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve eaten my fair share of sausage rolls. I adore them, but no one looks cool or mysterious eating a sausage roll. There’s a reason in all the many Bond films he never once eats a sausage roll — complete charisma killer.
The sausage roll announces to the world that you’ve given up, it’s the meat pastry equivalent of a sad Friday night wearing stained trackies and eating Ben & Jerry’s while watching 500 Days of Summer.
Meat pie cons
Literally everyone on the planet has experienced the following scenario: you arrive at a grand final day party, you squeeze your beers into the packed fridge and dodge small talk while you make your way to where the real action is — the food table.
Once there, you see a huge pile of party pies. Hell yeah, you think, jackpot. See, you’re quite hungover, ’tis the season after all, and all you’ve had for breakfast is a cigarette and a flat white, so, against your better judgement, you shove a whole mini pie down your gob.
What proceeds can only be described as nothing short of hellfire-heated meat sludge oozing in and around every corner of your mouth, leaving nothing but scorched earth behind. You’ve never felt this much pain, well, not since the last time this happened.
See, no one ever learns this lesson. We homo sapiens are doomed to roam the earth for all eternity, burning our mouths on meat pies, generation after generation, till the universe burns itself out of existence.
The verdict
You may want to sit down for this, my dear reader, because I’m about to blow your tiny little mind. Look around you, what do you see? No need to strain your eyes, I’ll tell you: two-party systems, as far as the eye can see, giving you the illusion of control — Labor or Liberal, Democrat or Republican, the Tories or whatever other party that island of Worcestershire Sauce guzzling loonies has — my point is, this meat pie/sausage roll predicament we find ourselves in is no different. It’s a two-pastry system.
The meat pie or sausage roll debate is designed to divide us, the masses; giving us the illusion of choice, but does anything ever really change? You eat a meat pie, or you eat a sausage roll, has anything really changed? The sun still shines, you still pay taxes, Collingwood are still the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Come closer, here’s the dirty little secret — no matter what you choose, it makes no difference. It’s all a ploy designed to keep you from thinking too much, letting you believe your choice matters, that you’re somehow in control of your pathetic little life. You’re not, because the truth has never been an option. Until now.
I might end up ‘hanging myself’ in a hotel room for saying what I’m about to say…
The Elites don’t want you to know this…
But…
Dim sims are the supreme footy finals food.
Feel like some dim sims? DoorDash has you sorted.
