Known catalysts for extreme physical transformation include being exposed to gamma radiation (The Hulk), being bitten by a radioactive spider (Spiderman), evolution (X-Men, mutants), and now, as illustrated by the agony of Queensland man John Macdonald, a mouthful of the Brisbane River.
But instead of being able to shoot cool lasers from his eyes, makeout with Kirsten Dunst while hanging from a spiderweb, or turn into a massive green rage monster, Macdonald, 60, is left only with acute abdominal pains, the most embarrassing body of them all, and the ability to be a real life Ripley’s Believe It Or Not exhibit thanks to one of the most disgusting physical conditions you could ever hope to lay eyes on.
It all started when the pensioner and grandfather took a sip from a can of beer he had dropped into the noxious bacterial wonderland that is the Brisbane River. Four hours later he fell violently ill and was later admitted to hospital where doctors were shocked to discover a hernia-like mass emanating from his stomach.
After being admitted to hospital, prescribed a course of antibiotics and undergoing multiple surgeries, Macdonald’s mystery growth has still not receded, been treated or removed.
“Clearly the Brisbane River is far more polluted than people think,” he said. “It was a split second decision on my part – a stupid one – and I have to live with this for the rest of my life.”
He is now making a worldwide appeal for assistance that may lead to the diagnosis or treatment of his mystery growth.
“I want to tell my story to the world in the hope that someone somewhere might answer my prayers and finally get me well – I’m a good bloke and I want to be around for my kids and my little grandchild so if there’s a bloody good doc out there that can help, then give me a holler.”
WARNING: lunch spoilers below.