Those of you with weak constitutions might want to avert your gaze. Then again, those of you with iron wills and no souls will probably find this hissterical*.
*Author’s note: Not even REMOTELY sorry.
A fellow by the name of Paul Rosolie is the focus – or the bait, as it were – of a new special airing on the US Discovery Channel this coming weekend entitled Eaten Alive; wherein he, along with a team of experts/idiots/sadistic types who kind of want to watch a man perish, trekked out into the Amazon, casually stalked, found, and captured a full length Anaconda, before donning a special suit and feeding himself to the beast because that’s a totally normal thing that ordinary, sane people do.
The suit allowed him to… y’know… not die, and the crew successfully yanked him out – quite literally – from the belly of the beast before any real damage could apparently be done, both to himself and the snake (though that hasn’t stopped animal rights groups from going fucking apoplectic about the whole situation).
The burning question that clearly remains from all of this is whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy the fuck would you even do that? (Maybe) fortunately, he decided to describe the experience. If we hold hands, we can all get through this together.
“The snake did not want want to eat me, at first. She wasn’t interested. But once I showed myself as a predator and she got spooked, then she defended herself. She nailed me right in the face and the last thing I saw was her mouth wide open before everything went black. And then she wrapped me and I felt the suit cracking and my arms ripping out of their sockets. It was absolutely terrifying.“
Oh good god.
“The plan was once she got to my waist, they’d pull me back out — that’s partly for my safety, partly for the snake’s. Because once she got past my waist it would be difficult for me to get pulled out.“
Je… Jesus christ.
“If your head goes in, that’s a major success. Some were like, “You gotta let it go to your ankles!” I didn’t want to rip my whole body out of the snake.“
‘Course it should be stated fairly firmly that (apparently) the snake is ok and was unharmed during this whole mess. At least, so sayeth the human mouse.
“Trust me, I’m much worse off. She beat the shit out of me.“
For those of you so inclined, the preview for Eaten Alive is embedded below.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try and calmly deal with the fact that I’m never going to feel clean ever again.