Send up a prayer of thanks to your deity of choice, folks, because we should all be grateful that we’re not this guy: a Californian would-be burglar who got caught in the grease vent of a vacant Chinese restaurant. FOR TWO DAYS.

The unlucky bloke spent 48 hours trapped in a slimy chimney on the roof of the empty building in the town of San Lorenzo. He was only discovered because local man Igor Campos heard “groaning sounds” coming from the wall next to his own business.

Yeah, absolutely fuck that. My claustrophobia and my germophobia are getting together and throwing the anxiety party to end all anxiety parties. LOOK AT ALL THAT FUCKEN GREASE.

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Campos called 911, who sent the fire brigade to free the man from the hood and duct system above the restaurant’s stove. When they arrived in the kitchen of the shuttered restaurant, all they could see of the trapped man was his shoe.

It took almost an hour, according to local police, to get the poor bloke out – he was absolutely coated in grease and oil, which combined with the slippery state of the sheet metal duct, meant he was essentially immobilised.

Police also say the 29-year-old was suffering from dehydration, and was taken to hospital for treatment.

It’s likely that the guy will end up charged with something, considering cops reckon he was trespassing in order to commit a burglary – but honestly, hasn’t he been punished enough? Look at him!

Once again, let us all give thanks that it was this bewildered man who was sucked into a filthy, slippery hell vortex like the Upside-Down version of Santa, and not us. Truly, we are blessed on this day.