In what can only be described as a Lovecraftian horror story come to life, a man was nearly swallowed by a gigantic whale. Strap on the oxygen tank and the diving gear and brace yourself, gang, because this story is about as wild as the deep sea and all of its terrifying inhabitants.

Michael Packard is a lobster diver in Provincetown, Massachusetts. On Friday morning (or Friday arvo our time), he went out fishing for lobsters and dived into the ocean, only to discover that he had been eaten by a whale. And no, I am not kidding. The whale really swam up and went: “gulp!”

Speaking to local broadcast station WBZ-TV News, Packard said that after he jumped into the water, he “felt this huge bump and everything went dark.” Nope, nope, nope.

“And then I felt around and I realised there was no teeth. And then I realised, ‘Oh my God, I’m in a whale’s mouth… and he’s trying to swallow me.’” NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

At that moment, as the whale tried to swallow him like Yoshi, he told WBZ-TV News he thought, “this is it, I’m gonna die.” Do I need to say it again? N-O-P-E.

“Then all of a sudden he went up to the surface and just erupted and started shaking his head. I just got thrown in the air and landed in the water.”

“I was free and I just floated there. I couldn’t believe… I’m here to tell it.”

According to Packard, he was in the whale’s mouth for a wild 30 seconds. And, according to Peter Corkeron, a senior scientist at the New England Aquarium, via WBZ-TV News, this is a normal (??) thing that humpback whales do???

“They do what we call gulp feeding, and they can open their mouths up incredibly widely,” he said.

“It’s a very unusual accident… this is a one in a—goodness knows what—trillion chance. He was just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Corkeron’s scientific advice for not getting eaten by a whale? Stay roughly 90 metres the fuck away from them at all costs.

In the meantime, if you need me, you’ll find me anywhere that’s not the sea.