I hope you’ve had a nice relaxing Tuesday morning, because this article contains a fuck off terrifying story from hell, so your relaxation is OVER! Sorry. Click the ‘close tab’ button if you’re squeamish.
A woman has posted her personal story SLASH (obvious so sort of unnecessary) Public Service Announcement to the ‘Today, I Fucked Up‘ sub on Reddit – it’s about DIY hair removal. Yep, shocker.
She explains how she “set her vagina on fire”, which is oh my god just so horrifying I could legitimately cry.
The woman explains that she was planning on going to the beach, but forgot to pick up a pack of disposable razors, as she preferred to remove her pubic hair while wearing a bikini. But all was well – her old housemate left behind a bottle of Nair hair removal cream.
“I live in Miami, and was planning to go to the beach today, but instead I’m spending my afternoon sitting on a cold can of ginger ale. Why you ask? here we go…So the semester has just started and I haven’t fully restocked all of my bathroom supplies. If I wanted to go to the beach, I needed to clean up my bikini line, but I forgot to pick up a critical pack of disposable razors.‘It’s okay’ I think. My old roommate left behind Nair. For those of you who don’t know what Nair is, it’s a thick chemical cream that literally dissolves the hair off your body. It has a super high pH and has warnings on the bottle about how NOT TO USE ON SENSITIVE SKIN.”
She explains:
“I slathered myself (carefully) in this ‘cherry blossom scented’ calcium hydroxide solution. You’re supposed to let it sit for about 5-7 minutes, and I could feel the cream getting warmer as it went about it’s merry hair-dissolving business.It stung a bit, but I could handle it.”
Unfortunately, it was at this point that she realised she really needed to pee. [AUTHOR NOTE: I’ve just realised I’m crossing my legs like, super tight while writing this.]
“I start to pee, when a searing pain explodes in my crotch. The pee spread chemicals way down into my nether regions, and I was in agony. Boys, this was like pouring boiling water directly onto your dick.I’m yelling, I’m peeing on the floor as I run to the shower, I jump in the shower and start rinsing with water like my life depended on it. At this point, I was in so much pain, my life did depend on it.”
But wait – it gets even more awful! The woman explains that water does absolutely fucking nothing in this situation – in fact, it makes it worse:
“Remember that scene from fight club where Tyler Durden puts lye on the back of the main character’s hand? and vinegar would neutralise the burn but water makes it worse? BINGO. SAME SITUATION.I’m in the shower, dousing myself in hot water, and it keeps. getting. worse. I’m screaming, there’s pubic hair everywhere, my crotch is on fire, and I haven’t realised the chemicals are too strong to be neutralised by water.It was like someone took a branding iron and just shoved it up there. I would have tried to amputate if you could amputate an internal structure.”
Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod.
Lucky, the girl is some kind of chemistry genius (I’m kidding), and realised she could even out the pH levels with another product:
“Eventually something clicks, and I remember that leave-in hair products tend to be acidic.I grab my hair gel (contains phosphoric acid) and neutralise the Nair as best I can.”
Apparently, she was sitting on a can of ginger ale for a whole day. No beach for her.
And this concludes one of the most horrific stories you’ll read all day. The lesson to be learned here: hair removal is annoying and tedious and sucks in general, but if you’re gonna do it, don’t try to piss at the same time. Just don’t. Don’t do it.
[AUTHOR NOTE: I’m never uncrossing my legs ever again. SOS, send help.]
Source: Reddit.
Photo: The Shallows.
