Remember the story from September last year, of a jogging shit-villain in a quiet Colorado town who kept leaving unwelcome nuggets on innocent families’ lawns?
Welp, it looks like she’s got a copycat – either that, or drive-by pooping is a lot more common that one would expect.
This story of brazen shit-flinging comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where a woman called Tiffany Mattzela says she found what she thought was a giant dog poo next to her car.
Concerned that a massive dog was running loose and crapping all over the place, Mattzela and her fiancé reviewed their security footage, only to find that it was not a dog, but a shadowy jogging bloke who’s been dubbed the Shit Bandit.
Mattzela told FOX News:
When we did [look at the footage], we found it was not a dog. It was a person who had been jogging down the street, ran up between our two cars, defecated, and ran away.
And the Shit Bandit wasn’t done. A few days later, Mattzela says that when she went to open her car door, she ended up clutching a turd-smeared paper towel that the Bandit had wedged under the handle – a savagely gross act that was also caught on her CCTV.
A number of other Little Rock locals say they’ve been victims of the Bandit. Mattzela has filed a police report, and told FOX that she hopes the bloke “gets some help” (more charitable than I’d be feeling if someone had wrapped used toilet paper around my car door handle, but good on her).
What’s causing this spate of malicious faecal activity? Can we attribute it to the overabundance of shitlords coming out of the woodwork in the era of Trump? Or are people finally realising the ultimate power of the stuff that comes out of their butts? Either way, it’s dark times in America. Dark, shitty times.
