Thanks To La Niña, The Next Stage Of The Apocalypse Is Here: Mosquito Plague

A tornado covered with mosquitos, captioned 'buzz buzz bitch'. In warning of La Niña weather effects.

Stock up on Aerogard, burn those coils and whisper a prayer for your balmy summer nights, because La Niña has outdone herself yet again with her latest gift: a massive mosquito plague. Great. Love that. Thank you so much.

Experts have warned Aussies to expect phat clouds of mozzies all across the country, not just in their usual haunts in the tropics, as this humid wet summer is the perfect breeding ground for horny mosquitoes.

“Mosquito populations are closely tied with La Niña events, any rainfall events for that matter,” Dr Brendan Trewin, CSIRO’s mozzie expert, said via 7 News.

“Whenever you have high rainfall in one area, mosquitoes will boom. But the thing about La Niña is it’s all across Australia.

“So it’s not just going to be north Queensland, or Brisbane that’s going to be experiencing increased mosquito populations, it’s going to be all across the country.”

How cute, a uniting experience for us all! Thanks, La Niña, for bringing us all together in these trying times. We love a little Christmas spirit.

In even more apocalyptic news, Dr Trewin also warned people to watch out for the Aedes aegypti mosquito during this La Niña season. You can recognise it from the white striped bands on its legs.

This particular mozzie, which is usually found only in Queensland, carries disease like dengue fever, and it’s apparently establishing itself in new parts of Australia. Great. *Internal screaming*.

“We don’t want the dengue fever mosquito spreading further south,” he said.

“It was once found all the way to the Victorian border through these large rainwater tanks.”

So y’all better start checking your water tanks, tipping out any bowls/pools of water in your backyards, and just generally destroying the habitats of these demons, because I refuse to have to live through a mosquito apocalypse.

This is where I draw the line. An earthquake? Okay. Tornados? Sure. A viral pandemic? I guess. Mosquitos? Absolutely not. Stop this ride, I want to get off.

Experts have also warned that La Niña’s powers mean an increase in venomous snakes, deadly spiders, and *checks notes* the spread of COVID infections, since the virus thrives indoors and in warm, damp settings. What can’t our favourite girl boss do?

Rest, apparently.