No two ways about it, folks. This is a big cow. It is an unfathomably large bovine. The boy: He big.
A while back the story broke about a cow (which for the pedants among you is, yes, a steer, but for the purposes of fun we’re calling it a cow in this article) in Western Australia by the charmingly grotty name of Knickers, who was notable purely because of the absolute size of the lad.
— ABC 7 Chicago (@ABC7Chicago) November 27, 2018
Fucken christ would you look at the heft on the boy. The sheer mass on it. The thumping great chonk. Unbelievable.
Knickers, a Holstein Friesian cow, stands 194cm tall and weighs in a rather impressive 1,400kgs, making him quite easily the biggest boi you know.
Knickers is so large, in fact, that he simply cannot be killed. His enormous size renders him far too large for any abattoir, and thus he has been sent back to the pastures of owner Geoff Pearson‘s farm to calmly live out the rest of his days as the monolithic overlord of the rest of the cow herd.
And if there’s one thing the internet likes, it’s an extremely lardge lad.
Despite ABC News breaking the story three weeks ago, inexplicably the rest of the world has caught on this morning, largely thanks to breakfast TV and commercial news stations running the story yesterday.
— 7NEWS Brisbane (@7NewsBrisbane) November 27, 2018
Meet Knickers, Australia’s biggest steer!
He’s 194cm tall, weighs 1.4t and has been saved from the abattoir because he simply won’t fit through the doors. 🐄 pic.twitter.com/uKKlxIpDLm
— Sunrise (@sunriseon7) November 26, 2018
And thus, social media has a new god, king, and hero.
Knickers. The big cow.
Please don’t milkshake duck knickers the lardge beast
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) November 27, 2018
THEY COMPARED KNICKERS TO MJ IM YELLING 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/9hEWMnM46e
— Olgun Uluc (@OlgunUluc) November 27, 2018
No don’t ruin this!!! pic.twitter.com/NxZSQ9cHwU
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) November 27, 2018
In the article his owner says that he’s not going to slaughter because he’s become so massive that an abattoir wouldn’t be able to process his carcass
Knickers has conquered the system by being an absolute unit https://t.co/USi7YHWIRc
— juni 🦨θ∆ 🔜 Furality (@JUNIUS_64) November 27, 2018
BOW DOWN TO GODZILLACOWhttps://t.co/Srxa9m1uD7
— Tom and Lorenzo (@tomandlorenzo) November 27, 2018
Jan: Big cow
Feb: Big cow
Mar: Big cow
Apr: Big cow
May: Big cow
Jun: Big cow
Jul: Big cow
Aug: Big cow
Sep: Big cow
Oct: Big cow
Nov: Big cow
Dec: Big cow
— Garrett Mundy (@GarrettIvo) November 26, 2018
Announcing that I will step down as leader of the “There Will Never Be a Big Large Cow” Party, effective immediately. This is due to recent developments that you may be aware of
— Naaman Zhou (@naamanzhou) November 27, 2018
[racks my brain for 15 minutes for something wry and funny to add to the big cow discourse this morning] ………………………………………………………… big cow
— World Famous Pea Dog (@puppy_eggs) November 27, 2018
Friendship ended with grape surgery now big cow is my new best friend pic.twitter.com/TQ0rEyMnnP
— yc (@yc) November 27, 2018
People: “If only there were some good news sometimes.”
The internet: “Here’s a really big cow.”
People: “Close enough for now.”
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 27, 2018
However big you assume the “big cow” to be, it’s somehow even bigger. And I think that’s beautiful. pic.twitter.com/0OnYb7AxRR
— laura reineke (@ohonestly) November 27, 2018
We simply cannot stress this enough, dear friends: The cow is huge, massive actually, and his name is Knickers.
In this miserable, work-a-day world, this is the kinda news that should get your ass outta bed in the morning.