Just Gonna Say It: Australia Should Ditch Pots & Schooners And Adopt The American Pint

For the love of god, it’s far beyond time we, as Australians, had a very serious talk about our beer glasses, because they’re an absolute mess. Inconsistent in size and bafflingly named from state to state to the point of needing a phrase book when crossing from Albury to Wodonga, Australian beer glasses run the full, convoluted spectrum from “that’s barely wet” through to “you could store grain in that.” It’s a bullshit system invented by overheated wordy dickheads from the 30s who liked nothing more than to neglect their families and ponder a paddock. Every Australian beer glass sucks and our entire system needs overhauling, and there is no better vessel to base the revolution on than the king of drink vessels: The US pint glass.

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In every measurable metric (or imperial), the US pint glass is the perfect beer glass and the only one that makes sense.

All Australian glasses are like the hodge podge cutlery England left behind when they moved out of the sharehouse, and they were all named by some colonial tosspot named Rudyard or Grumphrey or Harpsichord or someshit while he was taking a break from talking about tar.

Worse still, the fact that each variant of Australian glass has a different name in each city is appalling shit. Look at this disaster zone that literally anyone can see on the “Beer in Australia” Wiki page.

Pictured: A dog’s fucken breakfast.

What the fuck is a FOURSIE, for god’s sake. What kind of IPAss backwards bullshit is that. What self-respecting Australian person is sauntering up to any bar and asking for enough beer to get their teeth wet but not their tongue. What the hell.

All Australian city variant names suck ass. Melbourne’s pots haven’t looked like pots since the Demons last won a flag. You’re not gonna find a handle in Darwin unless it’s ANZAC Day at the RSL. And if any of you Sydney idiots can come up with a better explanation than “a middy is midway between a pint and… nothing?” I’d love to hear it.

Of course Adelaide, once again, is an entirely different world unto itself here. It’s a mystical, balls-over-tit land where a pint is a schooner, a schooner is a pot, and there’s a fair chance if you ask for a “butcher” you’re not gonna wind up with meat. Wall the whole place up and turn it into a human zoo. Insane place.

The standard, conical US pint glass has the edge over every Australian attempt at a booze tube in every way possible.

Consider the following points:

  • It’s big enough to wrap the fist around and feel important (crucial).
  • Australian pint glass last sip too warm in summer (bad).
  • American pint glass last sip still cool in summer (good).
  • Flat, uniform sides easily customisable; can draw skeletons or a skateboard on it (very cool).

It also has the edge in size; at 16 US fluid ounces, the American Pint is 1.65 imperial fluid ounces larger than the standard schooner. Which seems like an arbitrary distinction to make but Sydney isn’t allowed to win anything, so there’s that.

It whets the whistle, it satisfies the tongue, it keeps the beer cold for as long as you have it. The American pint glass is the standard the rest of Australia should be walking past.

Thank you, and happy drinking.

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