Do you ever just sit back and think about the exact moment you realised you were destined for the emo life? Or are you normal?

As a result of being cooped up in isolation for most of this year, I’ve had a lot of time to think about… stuff. And by “stuff” I mean realising that Criss Angel was my sexual awakening, which explains why I was destined for the emo life.

2005 was a much simpler time when we were all still using dial-up internet and Criss Angel: Mindfreak was quite possibly the most bat-shit show on television. Cool tricks, an emo magician and a *really* metal theme song. What more could you possibly want?

Considering he was literally 38-years-old when this show first aired, he was probably just a smidge too old for this to be acceptable. But surely I’m not the only person who thought Criss Angel could get it, right?

Naturally, thanks to the abundance of free time I have now that we’re back in lockdown, I feel a burning desire to answer two very important question:

  • Could 2005 Criss Angel actually get it?
  • Could present-day Criss Angel still get it?

With the gift of hindsight, I was a little concerned that maybe Criss Angel wasn’t actually as attractive as my younger self was led to believe. So, for the good of society as a whole, I have taken it upon myself to find out if Criss Angel really was the OG e-boy I remember.

Back in ’05, Criss Angel was a 38-year-old scene boy. If he was in his prime today, he would likely be an e-boy (e-man?) on TikTok wearing padlock necklaces and dating someone with those e-girl stripes.

In true emo fashion, he sported red streaks through his Karen haircut, walked around with a handcuff necklace and wore a whole lot of black (usually with his bare chest exposed). Was it hot in 2005? Absolutely. Would I be a little concerned if I stumbled across him looking like this in 2020? For sure.

Could he get it in 2005? Look, if I was an adult roaming the streets of Vegas, I’d let him do some magic on me. Could 2005 Criss Angel get it now? I’m gonna have to say no.

criss angel
Sorry bby.
(Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

But in absolutely mind blowing news, Criss Angel has aged like a fine wine.

Granted, this photo is from 2019 – before he grew his hair back out into his signature ‘do. But I mean, look at him! Look!

Considering he’s 52-years-old and is therefore old enough to be my actual dad, I’m not going to say he could get it (I have previously expressed my sexual desire for Tom Nook the raccoon from Animal Crossing, but apparently I draw the line at 52-year-olds). But the man has had a glow up and I think we all need to appreciate it.

I cannot stress how much I truly love this for him.

Sure, he’s a little old for me by society’s expectations. But speaking in a more general sense, 2020 Criss Angel could still absolutely get it.

He was my sexual awakening a decade ago and to be quite honest, seeing his face again today feels like I have just been awoken once again.