How To Strategically Handle D-Bags / Frenemies Throwing Shade Your Way

Self-defence is the tits, ain’t it? Admittedly, I’ve never partaken in some sorta MMA crash course (ceebs physical activity and whatnot), so I’d be as useful as a Calvin Klein ad sans visible nipple in a physical altercation. BUT, when it comes to someone having a crack at me – be it with an attitude, cold shoulder or verbal tirade – I’ve got some experience to fall back on. 

Sure, I imagine you’re quite the silver tongue yourself. You need a thick skin to cop the deluge of shit dumped on us by the superficial fuck-knuckles bred in the conditions of the Information Era. Having more knowledge up your sleeve, however, is always ace – and that’s why it’s going to be a worthwhile exercise to familiarise yourself with new ways to, in a nuanced manner, tell a Grade A douche to go sit on a cactus.

So, without further ado, here’s P.TV’s Strategic Guide To Handling Someone Throwing Shade Your Way.

Just so we’re all on the same page, let’s have a quick recap of what it means to “throw shade”: 

US INFORMAL

– Oxford Dictionaries.

 

In layman’s terms, to “have shade thrown at you” is to, either overtly or subtly, insult and defame your damn-fine character. Think: 

Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus at the VMAS

Parish Hilton / Nicole Richie re: post-sex tape Kim Kardashian

Mariah Carey not knowing, but obviously knowing, what Nicki Minaj is all about

The beauty of well-thrown shade is that when it’s executed properly, you wouldn’t know someone’s just had a dig at you. Shade is cool but subtle, only noticeable when exceptionally frosty. There’s therefore a layer of complexity to throwing shade. Did they, the shade-er, just have a crack at you, the shade-ee? You need to be discerning with an expert shade thrower to avoid cussing out some ass-wipe who was sincere when telling you how good your hair looks. 

Standard shade, however, is the shade thrown by a rookie. As mentioned, they’ll throw frosty shade – shade that hits you just as hard as the moment you realised Brandi Glanville is a bonafide psycho. 

The two most common instances in which shade is thrown are:

– Meeting someone for the first time who’s going out of their way to assert their dominance over you (which, of course, ain’t going to happen).

– When exchanging feigned eagerness during mandatory salutations with a known frenemy. 

When meeting someone who you suspect of being shady for the first time, it’s important to maintain a poker face. If you hit ’em too hard with your resting bitch facade, they’ll go on the defence and start fanging shade your way when it could’ve been avoided altogether. If you’re too sunshine and rainbows, they might seize the opportunity and gain the higher ground. It’s a lot easier to go from raging bitch mode to, “We’re all in this together, babe,” than the other way around IMO. 

If they then start throwing shade while you’re maintaining your who-knows-what-is-going-on-in-my-mind exterior, then the scenario turns into a waiting game. Let ’em waffle on about their super fabulous, super amazing, “I’m just, like, killing it” life until they slip up, ‘cos that’s your opening. How do I know they’ll slip up? They’re a rookie. Only a novice shade thrower would be so reckless with their assault. Check out the below for tips on making the most of those slips: 

– Say they’re taking a while / can’t think of a word: crack open a broad smile and say, “I hate not being able to think of a word, I feel like people automatically assume you’re ridiculously dumb.” You’re not directly challenging their intelligence even though you’ve literally said, “People automatically assume you’re ridiculously dumb.”

– If they say, “I’m really good friends with [insert name here],” then there’s only one way to respond: say, “That’s nice,” and smile. Nothing more. They’re trying to get you in a position of weakness, so throw their footing off by not buying into this tired trap.   

– Often basic shade throwers will try and have a crack at how cultured you are. A standard approach would be something like, “Have you heard of this song?” Craft your response to unnoticeably attack their day-to-day life. Something in the vein of, “No I haven’t! It’s nice though. God, I wish my life was as relaxed as yours so I could have the time to find new music.” Most humans strive to appear busy – it’s a marker of success. Saying that they’re not is a dig at their career progression. 

If you start to question whether someone’s sassing you or not, they probably are. You’re dealing with the real deal, people. This is a fucking red alert. Here’s a few tips for dealing with ’em:

– A legit thrower of shade (a shade savant, if you will) is known to use subjective / interchangeable words like “interesting” when trying to corrupt your confidence. Interesting has more positive connotations than negative, but in this instance, it definitely means the latter. Look out for, “That dress is interesting!” or, “That’s an interesting career choice!” (*vomits everywhere*). Your defence? Fight fire with fire. Their dress, career, partner – heck, even their drink selection – is now exclusively referred to as interesting.  

– There’s one weapon you should always keep up your sleeve on the off chance they’ve managed to rock your confidence. Hit ’em with, “What music are you into?” THINK ABOUT IT. There’s literally no way to answer this question without sounding like a wanker. If you don’t reckon you sound like a wanker, I’d like to let you know that you, without a shadow of a doubt, sound like a wanker. Not even Tom Hardy could maintain his integrity while answering it. If they ask you the same thing, nonchalantly refuse and say exactly why – you don’t want to sound like a wanker. 

– When someone that you mutually know walks past, make sure you grab them. If it’s someone they respect, there’s a good chance they’ll behave themselves while they’re around. Yes, the friend is your shade-proof vest, and they’re doing the lord’s work. 

There you have it, folks. Hopefully you’ve equipped yourself with more ways to defend yourself against all the world’s basics. 

Thankfully, not all shade is bad. Actually, shade (as in literal shade) is fucking fantastic. It’s an ace defence against harmful UV rays shot at us left, right and centre by the Aussie sun. Sure, getting shade thrown at you sucks eggs, but copping a skin cancer diagnosis is a hell of a lot worse. Protect yo’self before you wreck yo’self by seeking (the good kind of) shade, wearing sun protective clothes, applying / reapplying SPF 30-50+ sunscreen, donning a broad brimmed hat and sunnies.

To learn more about protecting yourself from the sun, head to Pretty Shady‘s website HERE.

Photo: MTV.