No, we’re not all rolling in it thanks to a blended-fam reality show (turned empire) — and that’s OK — but we are able to beat the class system to feel, and essentially exist, like an A-lister.
If you really think about it, you don’t need to rake in the cash-monaay/sugar daddy/viral sex tape to lap up the good life. Once you break down the *blessings* of said celebs, it becomes painfully clear how you can get in and around their lavish luxuries without paying the price of a small country to get em’.
From PTs to getting your makeup done and having your own personal chef, you really can be swanky as hell without the dosh, and we’re gonna show you how with manipulative replacements for their costly usual.
THE CHAUFFEUR
This one’s easy – Ubers are so fkn quick these days that it’s like they’re in time with your schedule, just like a legit chauffeur. Uber Blacks look suave AF too, and celebs like Ashton Kutcher, Kate Upton and Neil Patrick Harris are all about it. Besides, limos are pretty tired in 2016 when the famous bunch are all about gettin ’round incognito-style.
THE HOME CHEF
The IT crowd are far too fab and good at life to be cooking for themselves, but are also far too ~eat clean, train mean~, and just plain rich, to be fork-stabbing frozen meals. Heck, they probs don’t even own microwaves. Radiation? Not cute.
You know what’s also not cute? Manual labour. There are so many food delivery services out there nowadays that you don’t even need to know how to boil water. Companies like YouFoodz, Marley Spoon, Hello Fresh and Thr1ve are doing that shit for you. Even an idiot sandwich could do it.
THE GLAM SQUAD
Without hair stylists, makeup contourists and “Georgio Armani” foundation (LOL Kimmy-K, you illiterate tweeter, you) we’d be all like, “Kardashi-who?”, because the way that fam pretties themselves is a huge, distinct part of who they are. It’s also a friggin’ expensive part. Like, Kim Kardashian spent in excess of $1 million dollars for just one makeup artist in 2013, and, quite frankly, that’s messed up.
If you’ve ever even thought about forking out like that when THERE ARE HOMELESS, STARVING PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, then you can REDEEM yo’self with a fully REDEEMABLE makeover at, pretty much every major beauty brand’s boutique/counter. Whether your cosmetics of choice is MAC, Kit, Burberry or otherwise, you should always be asking if your product purchase = free “makeover”, or vice versa.
HAVE. YOU. GOT. WHAT. YOU. PAID. FOR?
If you’re one of those people who likes to live through the ‘gram instead of breathing fresh air, you can skip the actual effort and use phone app Makeup Genius to slap on the makeup for an A+ selfie. Besides being really friggin’ fun, it’s the perfect “woke up like dis” trickery.
For the hurrs: if you’re willing to take a solid risk like an A-lister, there’s plenty of beginners at places like Aveda and Toni & Guy who will do your hair on the cheap. Also, hair specialists will do yo’ hair for free, should you be willing to get your pic taken for their portfolio and undergo a mass colour or length change. Hit up the hairdressing section on Gumtree for opportunities, and, heck, while you’re at it, put down an ad that offers up your own noggin too.
THE PERSONAL TRAINER
Personal trainers are pretty much a given among the famous crowd, but for us plebs, food and rent are more important to us than a money-making badonkadonk.
Luckily there are PT-esque apps available which will have you feeling all rich-like. Some of ’em are even FREE, like “GAIN“, which uses legit A-list trainers’ customisable routines whaaaaaat. Another freebie is”6 Week Training“, which tests you and evaluates your fitness level, pushing you to improve just like an actual paid-for human.
If you can’t get around the technology thang, there’s also a cute lil’ craze called F45 that you might’ve heard of. It’s around $60 a week, but the training system is so ~hands on~ and ever-changing that the PT feels are strong, and much more affordable. Stars like Nicole Richie, Joel Madden and Nicole Trunfio are into it, and the Paddington location is home to celeb trainer Luke Istomin, the man responsible for Hugh Jackman‘s Wolverine six pack.
If you’re an INDEPENDENT WOMAN/MAN and all that, you can also score free trials at most gyms (which will usually range from one week to 30 days) and the staff will treat you like royalty ’cause they want you to sign up.
THE DESIGNER WARDROBE
Look, we know you’re never going to be able to afford Balmain or Chanel, and tbh the celebs usually get *gifted* that beautiful, beautiful shit anyway. NBD.
Rather than pay $7K for a coat to be in the same boat, get behind designer rental stores like Your Closet, Glam Corner and Her Wardrobe, because we all know celebs don’t repeat offend on the reg. If you’re more of a recycler a la pre-kween Kate Middleton, get around eBay to call the piece yours.
Also, if you think Gigi and Kendall pick those bangin’ outfits all on her own, you’re so wrong (pricey celeb stylist Monica Rose does it for ’em). We know you can’t afford a stylist of her calibre, but you can utilise a personal shopper at Topshop fo’ free.
Hopefully y’all can use the above to rort the system to be exist like a VIP, without the crappy part of being recognised errywhere ya’ go.
Feels GOOOOOD, dunnit?
BROKE AF BE GONE.
