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Here’s a few things that give me the shits similar to post-curry night runs: leaving a cupboard door slightly ajar (because some people just want to see the world burn), overly-enthusiastic convenience store cashiers (I’d rather have a heated exchange with a piss-stained burlap sack than hear about your weekend) and people who complain about hangovers.
My roommate (love you, but fuck) is one of those people.
“I’m so hung,” she’ll say in an infantile voice when she’s finally emerged from her pitch black room at some point of a Saturday afternoon. If I bump into her again – usually when she’s collecting food from a Menulog deliverer – she’ll sadly pout and say the same thing over and over again.
“I’m so hung. I’m so hung. I’m so hung. I’m so hung.”
I’d much rather be forced to hang upside down, have hot wax dripped on my scrotum while the Baker’s Delight theme song is thrashed at an intolerable decibel for several hours than hear the sentence, “I’m so hung,” one more FUCKING time.
No one forced you to have six Coronas at pres. No one forced you to have five tequila shots at the club. No one, and I mean no one, forced you to ‘shoot the sheriff’ all night long on the d-floor. You made your vomit-filled bed, now it’s time to lie in it.
In her defence, she’ll never get fuck-eyed on a school night – she can’t physically function at work, and seeing as she give several fucks about her career, she avoids the sauce mid-week.
But that’s not the case for you, is it? Y’all have a penchant for participating in 50 Shades of Fuck-Eyed frivolities on week nights and you’re preemptively looking for some advice on hiding your condition + surviving the ordeal. Well, here’s how me mates and I here at P.TV reckon you should tackle handling a hefty hangover at uni / work.
UP YOUR AESTHETIC
Please don’t punch me in the face for saying this, but you need to wake up earlier than normal, take an ice cold shower and brush your chompers. This is laying down the groundwork for what comes next: upping your aesthetic game. There ain’t no denying you’re the most attractive human to have ever walked this earth, but without a bit of effort you’re going to look like a 70-year-old’s fluff-filled ass crack.
Wearing a banging outfit and going that extra mile on nailing your presentation will appease any thoughts your co-workers / boss / fellow students might have about last night’s antics.
COP A WHIFF
Alcohol has that terrible knack of seeping out of your pores or lingering on your breath, no matter how long you spend showering in the foetal position.
Do yourself / your colleagues / those sitting next you in a lecture a favour and double-down on deodorant + mints.
GET AN UBER / CAB
What, you’re planning on hopping on a train / bus in your current state? That’d be like willingly throwing yourself into a splash pool filled with several day old oil from a Macca‘s frying station. Nahhhh, mate. Hail that cab or book that Uber like it ain’t no thing. The calm before the storm shall serve you well, young party-one.
Getting in the Uber like:
FUEL YOUR BODY
Desperate times call for desperate measures – check yo’self before you wreck yourself (even further) by dropping that greasy BLT faster than your parent’s expectations of you dropped during HSC. Once again, please don’t punch me, but greasy and acidic foods will only make your stomach woes more woeful.
Instead opt for eggs, oatmeal or toast – something light, y’know?
DON’T BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW
Have a huge preso today? Good luck, ‘cos you’re genuinely going to need it. This should serve as a valuable life lesson in keeping your inner ‘WOOOO-person’ on a leash during the week. For the rest of you, do yo’self a solid and keep it light. That being said, do *something*. If you can scratch off a few things from your to-do list quick-smart, that feeling of, “God, I’m the fucking tits,” MIGHT be enough to carry you through the day. Plus, it’ll keep people off your back for not doing anything, which can often be the tantrum-causing straw that breaks the hungover camel’s back.
LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY
Get in and get out. The second your shift ends you should be bolting out the door like your building’s just been overtaken be a group of rogue Christian bandits claiming, “The world needs to be cleansed”. This isn’t the time to earn a gold star for staying back late – pick and choose your battles so that you can live to get wasted another day.
If you’ve made the choice to get bent outta shape on a school night, then I hope these tips serve you well. Remember: no one’s forcing you to get wasted, so if it happens, STFU and quit complaining.
Keen on some more handy hints? Head on over to the V Skills site HERE for more erryday workarounds. They’ve got advice on everything, from applying sunscreen to smoke bombing, that’ll make you a bit better at life – something which (judging by the fact you’ve read this whole article) you could probably make good use of.
Photo: Archer.
