Just because you are great friends with someone planning to tie the knot doesn’t mean you will make a good bridesmaid, and it’s time we acknowledged it. Being a bridesmaid is presented as the ultimate tier of friendship, but to be honest, I gag at the thought of being one. If you couldn’t give less of a fuck about penis straws, rosé, and selecting decor that screams eternal love, here is your foolproof guide to receiving that “I’m going to relieve you of your bridesmaid duties” text.

I’ve personally been kicked out of two bridal parties, so if your goal is to free yourself from seating arrangements and wearing ugly shoes, read on. I can help you.

First, decide if you want to remain friends with this chick or not. This will factor heavily into the approach you take.

Scenario 1: You Want To Remain Friends Despite Not Being A Bridesmaid

Possible, but you have to tread fucking wisely and treat this as no less than a game of chess. Bombing out of the bridal party is a surefire way to end a friendship forever if you aren’t careful. You essentially have to fake a life crisis if you aren’t already having one, so she knows that you are in no state to pick the perfect peach toned engagement party table cloth colour, god forbid. You have to own that it is all somehow your wrongdoing, accept all responsibility and apologise in advance.

Best to act early so that she is not totally put out and you can be replaced by some sort of Steven Bradbury of bridesmaids.

1. Plant the seed

A casual, “work is so fucked lately” every now and then will help this. Don’t have a job? Confide in them about money troubles. Post an IG story from an AA meeting if you have to. If your friend is even half normal, they should take the hint and you can continue having a friendship, the mutual acceptance and understanding might even improve things between the both of you and you may even want to be her bridesmaid again (unlikely, yet possible).

Having a general reputation as someone who is poorly organised and lazy is favourable in this situation, too. Luckily I have always had this working for me and this has been a positive undercurrent and contributing factor of me being booted off bridal parties in the past.

2. Fake a family tragedy or pregnancy

An unfortunate step, but a necessary one if she still has you in the G-calendar invite for her wedding flower brainstorm. A close cousin dying that they’ve never heard of will work wonders. Not helpful of course if you are a bridesmaid to your sister… or cousin for that matter.

The fake pregnancy is risky business as you might guess, but brides have been weird as shit about having pregnant bridesmaids since the dawn of time. A fake pregnancy should put the nail in the coffin of your bridesmaid status, particularly if you have planted seeds like in the above step. Needless to say, you will no longer have a pregnancy by the wedding.

3. Refuse to wear the bridesmaid dress she picks

This one is hard to pull off but I have done it before. Deciding on one dress between five women that everyone likes, suits and is willing to spend the same amount of money on is honestly a harder quest than solving than a Rubik’s Cube without a Youtube tutorial. Dress dramas might lose the bride a bridesmaid, but make sure it’s you – you don’t want another lousy bridesmaid using your manufactured drama to bow out before you.  This mental battle of gladiator proportions is a great opportunity to emphasise how unqualified and selfish you are to be a bridesmaid. She’ll be pissed for a while, maybe even still by the wedding but that will all blow over by her divorce.

Scenario 2: You Couldn’t Give A Fuck About This Girl Or Her Shithouse Wedding

I found myself being a bridesmaid of a co-worker I barely knew and barely liked. I knew I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid but didn’t know how to approach the situation. Luckily my shitty behaviour stepped in and sorted the sitch for me, thanks again shitty behaviour, ily 1. Give another one of the bridesmaid’s boyfriends a lapdance at the engagement party

Make sure he enjoys it too, then this approach turns to a 100% success rate. Bridesmaid B will do all the work for you after this, in fact the wheels are in motion once your ass touches his knee. I was dropped from the bridal party like a hot potato after this one and he would agree, too, that I was one hot potato. Getting absolutely trashed at the engagement party might even be good enough but I can’t make promises on this.

2. Plan the wrong hens night

Timid bride? Suggest strippers and a bender, get your dealer to write up a quote for the weekend and present it to the bride and other bridesmaids. Your aim here is a “Do you even know me???” type of look of disgust at some point. She will wonder why you are here and if you really are that good of friends, which of course you aren’t. If somehow they are on board with a bender, getting arrested on the night should be easy and effective.

3. Ghost the bride

Surprisingly easy and somewhat satisfying. Mute your texting conversations, mute her on Instagram. Helps to block the other bridesmaids, too. Buy yourself a fun ringtone so you can dance while they call, something like ‘Sexy Back’ will help you forget the music you’re hearing serves a function. You’ll miss the rehearsal dinner and in turn the wedding without even realising it.
Always the bride, never the bridesmaid,
Vanna x

Image: Fleabag