“Fuuuuuuuuck it’s hot” – quote literally everyone in Australia this weekend.
It’s not even officially summer yet, but if you thought that would stop Mother Nature (and Step Mother Global Warming) from promptly fucking our lives up, you thought wrong because severe heatwave conditions are predicted across the country for the rest of the week.
By definition, a heatwave requires “three days or more of high maximum and minimum temperatures that are unusual for that location,” according to the Bureau of Meteorology. So basically, it’s going to be fuck off hot for at least three days.
Great.
The heatwave will kick off today, and is expected to sizzle us all like a snag at Bunnings until at least Monday, when it should ease a little.
Wednesday will see South Australia and some areas of western Victoria hit the high 30s, which is honestly already hot enough for me to just give up on life and park my ass in front of the AC all day.
But it doesn’t stop there.
On Thursday, temperatures will continue to soar *and* stretch further, encompassing much of inland New South Wales as well. At this point, you’re probably going to want to crack open a beer, fill up a blow-up pool in your loungeroom and cry.
And, as you’d expect, Friday is going to be even worse, with temperatures expected to be a whopping 10-20 higher than normal for southern South Australia and the western parts of Victoria. Considering it’s already late November and therefore fuck-off hot normally, I don’t even want to imagine what 20 degrees above average feels like.
If you’re in these areas, you can expect high 30s and low 40s temperatures on Friday. I simply cannot stress this enough: don’t walk your dogs on the pavement and keep hydrated.
But if 20 degrees above average felt fucked, you might want to move to Antarctica before Saturday because that’s when we’re set to see the real peak.
“At this stage, 46 to 47C is looking like some of the high temperatures we will see on Saturday around central and eastern parts of South Australia,” BOM senior forecaster Jonathan How told the ABC.
Jonathan, my dude, I simply must ask: HOW?
Thankfully, Melbourne will largely avoid the deathly hot temperatures, thanks to a cool sea breeze. But you’re truly up shit creek without a paddle if you live in Adelaide because it’s set to be the hottest capital city this week with temperatures reaching 40 degrees on both Friday and Saturday.
When Paris Hilton said “that’s hot”, I’m whole-heartedly convinced she was talking about Adelaide.
But if you thought you’d escape the heat in Sydney, you are sorely mistaken, my friend. The heat is expected to move east to the NSW capital on Sunday, absolutely obliterating your weekend plans with 40+ degree heat on Sunday.
So… Did somebody say beers in front of the air conditioner?
Thankfully, it all calms down a little on Monday. It’ll still technically be a heatwave for northern NSW and Queensland, but it won’t be quite as hectic.
At this point, I feel like I should give you all the warning to keep hydrated, make sure your pets are keeping cool and just make sure you’re prepared for the heat. Although getting blind-drunk is fun, when you’re battling shit-hot temperatures, the last thing you want is to be hungover and heat-stricken.
Obviously, this is our first major heatwave of the season, which also means bushfires are a very real threat. If you don’t already have a bushfire-ready plan, make sure you do it today, because if you hold off until the weekend, it could be too late.
Be safe, stay cool and remember what Paris Hilton told us: that’s hot.
