I don’t think any of us expected hand sanitiser to be as big a part of our lives as it has become in 2020, and yet here we are. We bathe in the stuff, practically.
Prior to coronavirus, I think I used hand sanitiser like once a week, and that’s because I played netball and happened to have one in my car, and have YOU played social netball and then shaken 12 sweaty hands afterward? It’s not a hygienic time.
Fast-forward to now, and we’re not only investing in fancy Aesop ones, we’re also expected to use provided hand sanitiser whenever we enter a store. This is a good thing – let’s all stay on top of hygiene in these dark times, friends.
But all of this free hand sanitising has made me a bit of a purist. I see certain hand sanitiser out the front of a shop, and I breathe a sigh of relief. No, I feel a soar in my heart – for the next fifteen minutes, my hands will smell of pure alcohol and/or lemon balm.
But if I see the worst hand sanitiser… a dark cloud settles. My day is ruined. I will now stink for not just the next fifteen minutes, but the next 4 hours.
I give you my definitive ranking of bog-standard hand sanitiser.
1. Vytal
DELICIOUS. Like a D-lister version of Aesop or something. It smells like lemon balm, which is very welcome in my nostrils. Well, lemon balm and straight fucking alcohol but honestly, it’s a vibe.
2. Dettol
It’s rare to find this served up as free hand sanitiser, probably because it’s fucking expensive shit. But ooft, when you do get it. The light, fresh scent. The swift absorption. The feeling of actual moisturising on those dry, cracked phalanges. This is basically premium in the context of bog-standards.
3. Sanify
Heaven. Smells fresh and clean. Doesn’t dribble all over your shoes. Looks no frills and tough, like it can take on stray Roni on my fingers.
4. Tork
This is some proper hospital shit – the foam is a nice touch, quite soft on the hands and doesn’t slither out of your grasp and onto your pants. The scent is just straight up burning. Like burning eye smell. If you got this in your eye, you would maybe die. Look at those warnings, this shit means business.
5. Aqium
An oldie but a goodie. Just says TRUST, doesn’t it? That sterile blue tone. The tick, which means nothing and yet fills me with the feeling that Aqium will take CARE of me.
The only downside is the name. WHY IS THE I BEFORE THE U. WHY.
6. Oz-Guard
The bog standard of bog standard. Smells like alcohol, but not like bad tequila. I don’t adore it but I don’t hate it.
7. Purell
I mean, it’s fine. It’s just been around for so long. We have all these new, young whipper-snappers on the market, enticing us with their stinging alcohol power and lemon balm scents. It’s a bit like your high school crush but you’re seeing them again at the 5 year reunion and they’re like a soft 5 now.
8. Scotts
Absolute worst. I would rather dunk my hands in acid to sanitise them than use this revolting, faux-cucumber smelling shit. It smells like the floor of a party bar after Schoolies. Like the sink after a house party. When I see this bottle, a part of my soul withers. I genuinely question if I should just fuck the shopping off and go home.
