You see this woman? The woman in the photo above? She looks lovely and normal and charming, right? A lovely, charming woman holding a delicious frosty pint of stout.
Once upon a time, that was Gwyneth Paltrow. A charming lady who occasionally drank pints of Guinness on live television. Now, this woman sells a range of ‘dusts’ including ‘Sex Dust’, and wants you to put spoonfuls of the shite into a smoothie in the morning.
Apparently, these ‘Dusts’ can help you with the following concerns:
‘soothe overworked muscles (Action Dust), a glowy complexion and healthy hair (Beauty Dust), combat mental fogginess (Brain Dust), when sleep has been evasive (Goodnight Dust), “for, you know” (Sex Dust), and for getting that extrasensory perception going (SpiritDust).’
Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
Despite the label describing these dusts as ‘medicinal grade’ the online shop gives very little information about the product, and lists ingredients that sound like they belong in a bubbling cauldron. WHICH THEY DO. Oh, and if you want the whole set, that’ll cost ya a cool $340. For dust.
A ‘Morning Smoothie‘ recipe was posted on Gwyneth’s website Goop! recently, and people are now losing their goddamn minds over the ingredient list.
Here you are:
Gwyneth Paltrow’s breakfast is made of things I refuse to believe are actual things https://t.co/bmTwK6DnLx pic.twitter.com/shfdM6BNFe
— Anita Singh (@anitathetweeter) March 14, 2016
Ashwagandha? Maca? Cordecyps? You’re straight up lying to yourself if you didn’t question for just a millisecond that she’s making half this shit up.
A quick Google search will tell you that the ingredients ARE real; that last one is a super tasty-sounding parasitic fungus. But all of the ingredients are a) extremely rare, b) hard to find, or c) so fucking expensive that you’d have to consider getting 3 more jobs.
Literal goop. This smoothie is very expensive, very disgusting, actual literal goop. We’ll stick with the stout.
Source: Goop!
Photo: Kent News & Pictures Ltd / Daily Mail.
