Well well, wellity, well. If it isn’t our old friend the slow yet unmerciful and unrelenting passing of time? How good of you to drop by sir, I see you’ve come to take my youth and innocence. How lovely of you!
I’m about to be 29 in a few months and, In case you haven’t noticed by that poor excuse for an intro, I’m a tad freaked out. I mean, 29 — that’s like a year away from 30. THIRTY!!! I remember things that happened when I was 25 like they were last week… and yet, literal last week was a blur. God, the slow intellectual decline is already getting me.
Anyway, while I still have some of my mental capacities in order, I’ve written this handy guide for when you find yourself teetering ever so slightly over the inevitable precipice that is the beginning of middle age; the beginning of the end.
Or is it? Perhaps age is just a number? Perhaps 30 is the new 20? Perhaps if you read this guide and follow its teachings, you’ll be cool for the rest of your days? Who knows — the only way to find out is to read it — that’s show business, baby!
Try to stay hip with the latest trends
My housemate is Gen Z, I am technically a Millennial (yuck). This means I don’t understand her Ticky Toks and her turns of phrase. What she finds cool is strange and confusing to me. About 70% of our interactions can be summed up by this one Simpsons clip.
The key to staying young forever? Open your mind to new trends! The kids are funny, don’t resist their content. The cool thing about this new batch of young sprouts coming through is, it’s no longer “enough” to just chuck a picture of yourself or a sunset on social media like we did with Facebook and Instagram — that’s cringe and normie, ew.
TikTok demands more; what are you adding that’s of substance? What are you creating?
Gen Z have cool taste and make cool things, don’t resist it. Learn from them.
Okay, now that you’re hip with what the kids are into and have spent enough time mentally recovering from that latest episode of Euphoria, it’s time to start thinking about that meat vehicle that’s been carrying you around for almost three decades.
You’ve probably noticed you can’t handle junk food, or alcohol, or cheese, or coffee too late at night, or anything at all like you used to. You were once a powerful, indestructible machine, now you are morphing ever so slowly into a fragile mould of your parents. Everything you put into your body will have consequences now. Disgusting, I know.
Unfortunately, the only way to mitigate this is to start being somewhat responsible with what you ingest. Start ditching the fried Uber Eats for some wholesome home-cooked meals, perhaps have a peruse or two of the fruit section of Coles, maybe try eating a damn vegetable?
Sweet, now you’re eating right and you’re cool as hell, next stop; exercise city, population: you. The key to a life well-lived is to stay moving — a rolling stone gathers no moss and all that.
Look, I get it, it’s hard to find the time, we all have jobs, friends, families, relationships, secret goat-worshipping cults — all of which demand our time. But you don’t need to become a marathon runner to reap the benefits of moving your body.
The best exercise is the one you’ll actually do, so find whatever tickles your fancy, and start doing it — whether that’s yoga, dog walking, a bit of footy, or a good old-fashioned game of tag. Your physical and mental health will thank you.
Maybe stop getting so legless every weekend
Look, I realise this one is a bit of a pot-calling-the-kettle-black situation. But hear me out: It’s one thing to get wild and loose and not remember the night in your late-teens and early-20s. When you’re pushing 30? Not so much.
Get a grip man. I know those people who go jogging on Sunday mornings seem like strange aliens from a distant world, but there’s a reason they do it — it feels good. So much better than waking up in a strange room not knowing where you left your wallet or your dignity.
The thing about insurance is, you don’t think you need it, until you do. And by then, it’s too late. So, consider having a look at providers like Bupa to find a health cover that suits your needs. It may end up bailing you out of a very hairy situation.
With Bupa, you can get just enough insurance for your lifestyle with Extras cover for as little as $2.80* a week and low-cost Hospital cover so, you don’t have to fully break that bank for peace of mind.
Now go off and enjoy your 30s, you old hag lmao.
*Price based on Extras Saver, Singles Cover agedImage: The Simpsons