Sydney has been dealt a devastating own from the Time Out Global Cities Index, which ranked them third least fun on their list of world cities – lagging brutally behind its smug, moustachioed cousin, Melbourne, who came in second.

The survey was a tally of the responses from 20,000 people across 18 cities, who were asked 81 wildly specific questions, like how much they love their city or how safe they feel or how often they have hangovers – ultimately aiming to assess the city’s “fun” level on six factors: dynamism (does it feel exciting), inspiration (does it feel nice), food and drink (does it taste nice), community (does it feel friendly), sociability (can you party) and affordability (can you afford rent).

Melbourne came off looking pretty schmick, being beaten only by Chicago, which, in all fairness, has roughly ten thousand million more things to do. 74% of Melbournians strongly agreed that they love their city (the highest amount of any city on the list), which either means they truly do like it there OR they’re just very willing to lie out of civic pride, which still says something.

Global Cities Index Finds Sydneysiders Are Very Bored And Very Horny

Sydney, however, despite only beating Kuala Lumpur and Dubai, did come out with a few wins of its own, coming first in the categories of “most hangovers”, “most workplace flings” and “most one night stands” – so clearly only boring for a very specific definition of “boring”.

The city also arguably got the most important win of the day: kicking Melbourne’s ass at group sex. While 1% of respondents from Melbourne said they’d had sex with more than one person, Sydney came in at a bloody yuge 9% – so keep in mind your mates from Sydney are probably 9 times more likely to be down for a threesome if you feel so inclined.

Global Cities Index Finds Sydneysiders Are Very Bored And Very Horny

On top of all that, 40% of people in Sydney answered that they had taken drugs in the last year as compared to only 33% of people in Melbourne. Motherfuckers like to party apparently.

Using the advanced statistics I barely learnt in the engineering degree I dropped out of: I think it’s safe to conclude Melbourne is the more fun city according to people who are boring, and Sydney is a more fun city for people that like to fuck and take drugs. Nice.

Global Cities Index Finds Sydneysiders Are Very Bored And Very Horny

Source: Time Out.

Photo: Chloe Sargeant.