We honestly have the most fucked up animals in our country, folks.
Forget America with it’s bears that get into your bins if you’re not careful, we have bloody kangaroos – and those dickheads will fuck you UP if you’re not smart as shit. Not to mention spiky echidnas, crocs that eat dogs, magpies that will gladly gnaw your face off and I am currently being YELLED at by the office to include cassowaries, because apparently they’ll “rip your neck off with their claw” according to Henno, our Deputy, who was all but standing over me demanding the cassowaries inclusion in this introduction.
THERE YOU GO HENNO YOU GOT YOUR DUMB CASSOWARY.
Anyway! Wow! Only one and a bit paragraphs to get to my point today! Which is – we have a new thing to be afraid of. Giant feral cats. And I mean giant – if this Gympie blokes account of his experience with one is anything to go by.
Truckie Adam Whitehouse was calmly having himself a relax on Sat-dee night, just calmly minding his own business, probs sucking the dick off a cold one and watching the footy. Or maybe he was having a nice vino and made himself a gourmet dinner, who bloody knows. Something leisurely. Anyway, he went to let his cat Billy inside – and that’s when all hell broke loose.
Apparently, an enormous FERAL cat emerged and cornered his dear sweet Billy. Honestly, look at sweet Billy. LOOK AT HIM.
Rude tbh that a feral cat would dare to attack that adorable mug. Anyway, Adam reckons this feral monster was the size of a SMALL CATTLEDOG, which is wild, and growled in warning.
“It was the biggest cat I’ve ever seen,” he told Gympie Times. “The size dumbfounded me.”
Of course like any good pet owner, Adam went all in to save Billy from the predator.
“It grabbed the back of my calf muscle on my leg and it wouldn’t let go,” he said. “I grabbed its tail and and started punching it to get it off me and it latched on to my arms. It just hung on – it was not going to let go.”
The animal was so strong that Adam’s stepson had to get involved – and even he couldn’t shake the critter.
“It was like I was hitting a concrete bag or a punching bag it was so solid and muscley,” Adam said. “It was horrific, (the teeth) went in quite deep. I don’t think the cat would have a problem ripping open a decent-sized dog either.”
Here’s the bloody exciting bit. You know the Lithgow Panther? It’s a rumoured panther (der) that stalks around the Blue Mountains area terrorising hikers. Well, not really but it does hang out around there, if it’s real, and there have been sightings I, the conspiracy lover, 110% believe are real. Here’s a really convincing video!
Anyway, Adam likened THIS cat to… a panther.
“It was a beautiful looking cat – it looked like a black panther – very, very black and shiny,” he said.
Adam did swear black and blue that it was a feral cat, not a panther – but let’s forget about that fact! Facts? Who cares! No one needs ’em. Let’s just make up a story that this was the Lithgow Panther’s offspring, and that we’re all doomed because now there will be a whole fucking pack of panthers terrorising the nation. They’ll take over government. They’ll force us to eat cat food as punishment for feeding that tinned gruel to our own kitty pets.
It’s all over, folks. We may as well crawl into our pets kennels to sleep tonight and give them the human beds, in the vain hope that when the overthrow comes, they’ll be kind to us.