Ghosting – we all know what it is these days, but in case you need a refresher – it’s when someone you’re dating simply disappears. Stops texting, stops calling. No reason is given and usually you can’t pinpoint a moment they decided to quit dating you – they simply vanished, leaving you to pick up the pieces of your heart. Well, fun fact – a friend can ghost you too, something I learned the hard way.
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I was ghosted by a friend a year ago. What I mean by that is, there was no pivotal moment that our friendship ended – but also, it didn’t just fade out. We didn’t text each other to hang and keep cancelling meet-ups, the friendship died when I tried to organise time to see them and they simply didn’t respond.
This friend was living overseas for a few years – I wasn’t great at keeping in touch to be fair, but we messaged a few times while she was away. I’d definitely say our friendship cooled a little during this time, but we used to have heaps of fun together and be relatively close when she did live in Sydney so I assumed it was just the distance.
When she returned, I was excited to see her. I didn’t necessarily expect us to be super close again, but I did want to catch up in person. I commented a few times on social media posts, “when can I see you!” kind of stuff. No response. This wasn’t necessarily a red flag though – maybe she just saw the comment and was caught up with all her mates wanting to hang. Fair enough.
So I messaged her. And was left of read. I took the sign, and accepted that this person didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.
At first I felt hurt. Why didn’t she like me anymore? What was wrong with me? I went into a spiral of self-doubt – asking all my friends whether I was rude, annoying, flaky, everything I could think of. They all said no – at least, not to a level where they didn’t want to hang out with me. No one’s perfect, but I had friends telling me there was nothing absolutely awful about me as a person, no trait I wasn’t seeing clearly.
Then I felt guilty. Had I been the one to ruin this friendship? I am a terrible person when it comes to keeping in touch with people overseas because I hate Skyping, I won’t even Skype my out-of-town boyfriend. Maybe this was selfish of me, and my lack of trying was the reason we weren’t friends anymore. But, I reasoned, it’s not like she was trying with me either…
I fell into a pit of self-esteem issues, stalking her Instagram and feeling shitty when she popped up in social media posts from other friends of mine. Why did she want to see them, and not me?
Now, a year on, I’ve let that friendship go. I quietly unfriended this person on social media and accepted that she simply didn’t want to be in my life, and that’s okay. I learned a bunch of stuff along the way though – maybe it’ll help you if you’re going through a ghosting from a friend.
1. It’s Not You
For a while, I thought it was me. I’m sure some people who don’t actually read this article (or maybe a few who do) will think it absolutely IS me – if someone actively decides to unfriend you, surely you are in some way the problem?
Sure, if ALL your friends disappear on you, maybe question why that is. Hopefully you have someone you trust who you can ask.
But if it’s just one or two friends who are ghosting you, the first and most important thing to remember is IT’S NOT A SIGN YOU’RE A SHIT PERSON. It isn’t.
Sure, their own reason for ghosting you is likely to do with you – but just like with dating, that doesn’t mean you need to change anything about yourself or that anything is shit about you. It can simply be that you’ve grown apart, that they have issues of their own that makes hanging out with you hard, or that they’re, well, an asshole. Just like dating, some people are cowards and won’t be honest about why they’re opting out of your friendship.
Whatever the case, it will do you no good to start wondering what you did to terminate the friendship. To put it simply – who gives a fuck. As long as you try to be a decent human being and have people in your life who believe you’re a decent human being, the opinion of this one person means shit.
2. Don’t Ask Why
Years ago I asked a friend who was clearly starting to fade out on me why she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I thought it was the best way to be honest about the situation and to clear the air – surely I’d done or said something unintentionally that upset her. But what I got was a vague answer that just hurt my feelings more – something about friendships ebbing and flowing. It made me feel like my personality was shit, or like I wasn’t a fun person to be around.
The thing is, as Brene Brown my Queen says – you should be vulnerable, but not with people who don’t deserve your vulnerability. A friend who can’t simply tell you honestly that they’re upset with you doesn’t deserve you opening yourself up to hurt, you know? If you KNOW you did or said something that’s likely hurt them deeply, you should absolutely address it. But if you honestly can’t think of a reason why this person is off you, don’t ask.
It’s hard, but just accepting that this person is actively choosing to disappear from you life, and letting them is better for you in the long run, trust me.
3. Don’t Chase
Like with people you date who end up ghosting you, it’ll only make you feel worse if you chase a friend who wants out of your friendship. Absolutely, make an effort to hang out with them, but if they blatantly ignore you don’t keep messaging until you look like a psychopath. In short – let it go. They’re sending a message they no longer want to be friends with you.
I get it. It’s hard to accept that someone wants nothing to do with you – especially if they’re a close friend. So in saying all of this, also go easy on yourself, and don’t beat yourself up if you DO send them a lengthy drunk email about how much you miss their friendship and don’t get a reply.
5. Focus On What You Have
Something I did last year that I shouldn’t have done was to fixate on the friend who was ghosting me, instead of focusing on the excellent people who did want to be in my life.
Look at all the wonderful people who want to go to brunch with you, to join sports teams with you even though it’s winter and it’s bloody freezing, who will call you when you’ve been broken up with. These are the people worth giving your attention to, not someone who doesn’t want to be your mate and is ghosting you.
From now on, I’m choosing to let the people who want out of my life go, and while it’ll hurt – I’m also going to choose not to dwell on them. I have plenty of friends who love me, and focusing on that will make it easier to accept the few that don’t.
