‘GOT’ RECAP: Arya Who Is Not 12 Anymore Gets A Leg Over, The Saucy Minx

Look it’s not like we expected Game Of Thrones to give us filler episodes full of no action in its final season. But guys, Jesus. It’s been intense life-changing scene after intense life-changing scene so far, and we’re just two episodes in.

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After all the reunions of last week, you could be forgiven for thinking this week’s episode would be done with all of that and straight into the action. You’d be wrong – we had more groundwork to lay in this final battle for Westeros. Jaime is in town and had a few conversations that needed to happen. Daenerys is trying to iron out some differences with the Northerners. And then there’s Jon Snow/Aegon Targaryen, who kinda had to tell his aunt she wouldn’t be claiming the Iron Throne anytime soon.

As always, Josie (Head of Editorial) and myself (Mel, Senior Style/Features Editor) are here to recap what went down.

JOSIE: We open with Ser Jaime Lannister who has just arrived in Winterfell and had an awkward stare-off with Awkward Cousin Who Joined A Cult Bran, who he cheerfully did an attempted murder on all the way back in S1E1. Jaime certainly cuts a bit of a pathetic figure these days, doesn’t he? Standing around all hunched up begging the pretty white-haired lady to let him live.

mum said you have to let me play with you

MEL: Yep, and no one seemed particularly stoked to see him – Jon/Aegon was reluctantly like “we need all the men we can get” and even his brother Tyrion was a bit like “look I can vouch for him” as did Brienne, but they both had a bit of a “ugh can this embarrassing King Slayer not make shit awkward while I’m trying to impress the Queen, JFC”. Which I actually felt was a bit unfair – Jaime’s gone against Cersei‘s tyrannical rule and galumphed up to Winterfell when he could have just been a grade-A asshole and skulked around Kings Landing until the White Walkers murdered all these people.

JOSIE: Well Jaime is one of my favourites. I don’t know why — well actually I do, he’s a babe, but also I just always thought he meant well and was just a bit misled by his father and sister. I like that he’s finally thinking independently for once. It was funny to see him reunite with Tyrion, there was no warmth but certainly a degree of relief, I thought. Can I also politely ask why Sansa was wearing a cock ring?

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me

MEL: Hahahaha, Sansa’s been wearing that cock ring for ages! Like even last season I think? Not sure of the significance. Maybe it’s “I’m the fucking boss bitch here, assholes” because she’s really not giving Daenerys an easy Winterfell win here. I was really into how Dany went to mend that bridge with her and bond over how they’re constantly dealing with misogynistic dickwads all the time as female leaders, but Sansa was really not letting her play best gal pals, was she?

JOSIE: No she wasn’t, but I also don’t really think Dany had the purest of intentions there. She’s smart, she plays to win – she just knows Sansa doesn’t like her and knows she needs Sansa on side (especially since Sansa kind of cornered her into accepting Jaime in that first scene and made Daenerys look a little powerless), so was definitely trying to play her cards right there by having a little one-on-one. But Sansa isn’t 1000% buying it.

i’m not saying you’re being a bitch but you’re kinda being a bitch

MEL: See I disagree – I felt Dany was trying to be a good Queen and iron out their differences. I got the impression she was like “oh shit, gotta do better” after her chat with Ser Friend-Zone, where he told her she should trust Tyrion and keep him as her hand, even though he’s made some errors, because he’s a fucking smart dude and also has the blessed gift of knowing how to learn from mistakes by… not being a stubborn prick. But who knows with that woman. Sometimes she’s a kind soul with a desperate need to do better than her psychopathic father, other times she’s burning your entire family with dragon-fire!

MEL: There were a lot of boring little conversations in this episode that I felt were a bit gratuitous, like “for the fans” shit that I just don’t think we need. Like Jaime apologising to Bran seemed like a token thing the writers threw in to be like “look how much Jaime has CHANGED!” but IDK, feel free to disagree but I don’t see Jaime as someone who would feel that guilty that he felt the need to apologise.

JOSIE: As soon as Bran was all like “I’m not angry at anyone” I was like “Ahh Mel, you called it, he’s gone full cult member and doesn’t care because he’s not Bran anymore”. You predicted that last week! I feel like that scene was needed though because the show literally ended on Jaime looking like he’d seen a ghost when he clapped eyes on Bran last episode, so we needed the resolution.

MEL: Also, Brienne and Jaime’s reunion – like cool but also we have a HANDFUL of episodes here guys, just give us the good shit. Also, Misandre and Grey Worm? I don’t care anymore! One or both of you is definitely dying so I have no investment in your planned vacay to the beach, OK?

JOSIE: There’s a bunch of people who ship Jaime and Brienne so I think that’s what that was all about! They’re definitely setting up a gentle love triangle vibe there between her, Jaime and Tormund. There’s a lot of little loose ends being tied up here and there and small storylines being wrapped up, it definitely is playing out like a final season.

MEL: Omgggg, Josie we don’t agree on anything in this episode! What is happening? Does this mean we can’t be friends, I hope not. See, I didn’t see a love triangle forming with Jaime/Brienne/Tormund – I saw Jaime moving into a definite “best mate” role with Brienne, and Tormund is the love interest (although she still cannot stand the man). I know it’s all final season, gotta wrap shit up business with these one-on-one reunion scenes, I just find them a bit… naff? It’s like they needed more episodes, or to have started wrapping things up last season with some of these characters, because it feels rushed to me and clogged with these types of scenes. Anyway we are agreeing to disagree so we don’t deck each other by the end of this recap.

JOSIE: Oh yes I definitely find them naff! But I can just see why they’re happening. And you can totally picture the creators with one of those big boards like this:

Going “Shit! We forgot about Missandei and Grey Worm! Gotta wrap that shit up!” and you’re right, it all feels a bit crammed and rushed after dragging literally everything else out for 7 seasons. Meanwhile, is Gendry the only one actually working on doing anything useful in Winterfell right now? I thought that when we got to him still toiling away making weapons and then he literally said to Arya “don’t you have anything better to do?”. I mean, it turned out she was hanging around like a bad smell because she has the horn for him, but honestly the entire episode was people wasting time and poor Gendry shouldering all of the work. And also Davos working in the neighbourhood tuck shop.

“nah you’ve gotta write your class and teacher or your lunch order’s not going through”

MEL: Here’s something I will absolutely agree with you on – Gendry is the MVP and everyone else needs to pull their fingers out of their asses. He’s been melding fucken dragonglass axes for days and kitted out multiple armies with weaponry! He’s doing the Lord’s work (literally). Is it time to talk about him and Arya? I think it’s time to talk about him and Arya, hoo boy.

JOSIE: It’s definitely time to talk about him and Arya! So remember I messaged you like “omg are you watching”. Well that was when she was like basically going “Hey Gendry mate how many girls have you fucked”. I was howling. I adore her, she’s never been backwards in coming forwards, you know? Arya was never going to waste time batting her eyelashes or flirting, she was always going to be really blunt about it. “Uh so the world is ending, can we please bone so I can at least know what all the fuss is about?”. I loved it. Even though I watched with one eye squeezed shut because part of me was still seeing her as being 12.

a girl got laid

MEL: Right!? I was cringing and squealing with glee at the same time. I think the reason I find Arya fucking so shocking is because this is a show that spans years and years, but never really places you on a timeline. Every now and then they’ve given us a “months ago” or “it takes a year to cross this random desert”, so we know it’s been a certain amount of time that’s passed, but it’s not like they’re giving us a “twas the year 1456” or anything. So I’m guessing Arya is very much of age, I reckon around 16? But she still feels 12 to me because when we met her she was a baby. Anyway, love a woman who wants to fuck before a battle. I’d be the same! She’s got a huge chance of dying, why not see what sex is like with a guy you’re crushing on before facing the wights?

JOSIE: Yes it’s extremely hard to actually track time in this show because they don’t refer to time in a normal way either, they’re like “five endless winters ago” and it’s like… what does that even mean. I’m like you, I think the thing I felt weird about was that we literally met her as a little baby, feisty kid in the first episodes and it’s charted her growing up. So it is a bit jarring to see her getting her freak on. It’d be the same if Bran suddenly whipped his junk out. I’m just glad it wasn’t a super GoT-esque sex scene, it definitely cut away at a relatively modest moment, by GoT standards.

MEL: Yes but I still definitely saw her boob and felt weird about it.

JOSIE: Hahah yeah it was like… side boob and top of butt. Still enough to make my eye squeeze shut. Also – I had to LOL when they were at that big team meeting and Bran starts talking and they all look at him like this:

“ah christ who let the weird culty cousin in, fuck he makes it weird”

Of course his big idea for the battle was “I’ll just hang out near the magic tree” because that’s literally all he does anyway. But I have to admit it did make sense in terms of Night King tactics.

MEL: Bran needs to cool it with the mincing around the magic tree shit. It’s not giving him the appearance of sanity, if you ask me. Also, are Sansa and Theon becoming a thing? And is it weird that I’m totally here for it? There were definitely some interesting looks that passed between them when he showed up in Winterfell.

JOSIE: It’s another genitalia-free romance that I’d definitely enjoy happening, like Missandei and Grey Worm last season. It’s really nice, I feel like Sansa has had some really just terrible experiences with men and Theon has been a really just terrible person on and off (and also had a shit time of it himself). So she deserves a nice bloke and he is keen to start being a nice bloke. It’s nice! I liked it. Sansa is pretty closed off these days so it was really cute when she got all teary and bear hugged him when he came back.

i know you fake-killed my brothers but lets get married

MEL: Agree, even if it’s not romantic and we are reading into that with all the enthusiasm of two basics who just want to see all their fave characters find love with one another, I really liked Sansa having a nice reunion with someone she cares about.

JOSIE: Yesss I’m unashamedly basic. Would I audibly cheer if they awkwardly bumped uglies? You fucken bet I would!

MEL: Meanwhile can we discuss what I am now referring to as the Great Hall Kick-On Of The Century? Loved seeing Davos, Tormund, Brienne, Jaime, Pod and Tyrion all talking shit together in front of the fire like it was 3am on a Sat night and someone’s said they’ve got bags at their house.

“oi let’s see how long I can have my hand on fire hahahahaaaaaa”

JOSIE: Omg it was such a fucking mood. Like, what else can you do when you’re probably going to be stabbed with a weird ice sword by a White Walker tomorrow? I’d be at the kick-ons for sure! But I was kinda with Brienne when she was like “Pod doll only have half a wine, we’ve gotta fight in the morning”. There’s no worse feeling than heading into an all-out war with a bastard of a hangover, we’ve all been there!

MEL: I know! I wanted to scream at them all and be like “GUYS YOU HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD, MAYBE COOL IT ON THE MERLOT”.

JOSIE: Imagine if in next week’s episode they’re all down at the tuckshop asking for bacon and egg rolls. That was really cool how Jaime knighted Brienne though! She’s officially the Ser she’s always deserved to be.But it did have vibes of that zesty story from a few years back of Prince Harry and Ed Sheeran getting drunk and Harry being like “hey Ed should I, like, knight you?” and then cutting his face accidentally while he did it.

MEL: Hahaha yes, amazing there was no bodily harm that occurred c/o Jaime’s consumed cask of wine. Also, we absolutely must discuss Tormund’s speech, in which he told the kick-on gang that his nickname of “Giantsbane” is because when he was 10 he murdered a giant, got into bed with the giant’s wife, and then BREASTFED FOR DAYS, turning him into a strong monster of a man. And then he just casually chugs his massive bottle of alcohol. Absolutely insane areas. It reminded me of that scene in The Office where Dwight tells everyone he was going to be a twin, but “resorbed the foetus” in the womb and now believes he has the strength of “a grown man, and a tiny baby”.

JOSIE: Hahaha if that story was meant to turn Brienne on I think it had exactly the opposite effect. I’m pretty sure her vagina retracted into itself at the image of him sucking a giant nipple. Speaking of being awkward, did you notice how awks Jon was around Dany for the entire episode because of the bombshell Sam dropped last week?

MEL: YES. She clearly sensed something was up, and then that whole scene where she cornered him in the crypt to basically be like “what’s with you mate” and he’s like “well actually I’m your nephew and the true heir to the throne, soz about it”. Fuck that was awkward.

JOSIE: And can we talk about her takeaway from it? There was a pause and I was like “Ohhhh shit” and then she’s like “That means you have true claim to the Iron Throne.” Not “Oh shit, I’ve been fucking and am in love with my NEPHEW”. Just still on about the goddamn throne. I don’t know, if that was me I’d be simultaneously vomiting and having a chemical shower.

MEL: I guess Daenerys subscribes to the Targaryen view of incest being all g? To be fair, aunt and nephew is less gross than brother-sister. But still, I’m with you on the chemical shower front. One of those insane ones they used in the 1800s to ward off smallpox in quarantine stations, that vibe. And of course, we ended with the White Walkers arriving at Winterfell. I’m pretty keen for a battle next week, but I’m also terrified people are going to die.

JOSIE: Yeah even though the characters said it 60 times it didn’t really hit me until next week’s teaser that some of our favourite secondary characters are definitely not going to make it out of this situation alive. The wights are totally, viciously, take-no-prisoners fucked. And like Jon pointed out they don’t get tired, so they’re not going to tap out like our hungover pals. They could literally keep being stabby for eternity!

MEL: I hate it, and also I love it. I’m hoping Tormund and Brienne survive – I’m holding out for Brienne’s feelings toward the loveable idiot to change and for their romance to bloom. I suppose I could lose a few people like that nice bestie of Jon’s who was Lord Commander before the wall got smashed, and old mate “I’ve died 19 times” .

JOSIE: Yeah they can go. Into the bin with them. Please take them and let us keep our faves!

Josie and Mel are also recapping Bachelor In Paradise, and have their own true crime podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour.