Last night’s episode of Game of Thrones was not only by far and away the most watched episode of the series ever, drawing in a whopping 7.1 million viewers in the US alone, but it was also the most pirated episode of anything ever. More than 250,000 people were sharing the episode simultaneously, and over 1.5 million people downloaded it in the first 12 hours after it aired on HBO. For the first time ever, among that massive throng of people watching, was me.
I have never watched Game of Thrones before in my life. Not even a single episode. I haven’t read the books either. Last night, through no fault of my own, I witnessed the entire final episode of whatever season’s currently on the air. Wikipedia tells me it’s the fourth season. Has it really been on the air for four years now? Bloody hell. Given – or perhaps in spite of – my absolute non-knowledge of what is what and who is who, I’ve been asked to recap the season finale as best I can. So this is what went down…
I think I should probably sound the most enormous SPOILER ALERT horn at this moment.
Oh, god. There’s like… four or five different things going on in this episode. I’ll break them down one by one.
THE FIRST THING
There’s a couple of rough looking dudes talking in a tent in the middle of what appears to be East Buttfuck Nowhere. They really don’t like each other that much. One of them is wearing what looks like a furry version of Shredder‘s cape from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. He doesn’t move his lips much which means he’s serious. One of my housemates passes by and tells me this is Jon Snow. Really? Him?
The two blokes drink. Someone’s going to end up dead here. They have a drink. Not-Jon Snow says it isn’t poison but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. He looks like the kind of bloke who’d pull the ole Bait-and-Switch. Suddenly, a wild Giant Army appears. It’s super effective! There’s a lot of killing which seems unneeded, but who am I to judge? This is all going down in front of some giant fuck-off snow wall – or a Snap-Frozen Tsunami. Whoever is leading the army arrives at the tent. Not Jon Snow doesn’t particularly want to bow. Army Leader is a King maybe? He rocks up with a guy that looks like Ron Swanson in thirty years.
See?
Meanwhile, Jon Snow is apparently the son of someone? He saves Not-Jon Snow’s skin. That’s admirable. He also tells the King to burn the dead. He seems worried about this. It’s probably to prevent a Diphtheria outbreak.
Bodies are being burned, as per Jon Snow’s advice. No diphtheria for the Frozen Tsunami Gang this winter! Jon Snow visits a guy with a FUCKING MAGNIFICENT ginger beard. They talk about… something/one? More burning bodies are mentioned. Ginger Beard seems like a dick.
Jon Snow burns a girl by himself in the woods somewhere. He drops a torch and walks away without looking but the flame on the torch grows. Does he know nothing about fire safety? I know there’s snow around, but it’s still a forest and they are still trees. Shit burns, Jon Snow. Only you can prevent forest fires.
THE SECOND THING
A blonde lady whom is probably a Queen is holding court with peasants and they’re not real happy. One wants to be a slave again? What a magoo. Although apparently kids are beating him up and stealing his food. Old mate needs to go full Clint Eastwood/Gran Torino on them and break out the shotgun. Sure, it might result in him saying some impossibly racist things, but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks and all that. The Blonde Queen lets him be a slave again. Probably not a great idea. Another guy arrives sobbing and carrying a charred baby saying it fell from the sky. I don’t want to say it was aliens, but…
Aliens, right?
Oh, it was DRAGONS. Right. That makes more sense. So now she’s locking them up. Wait, these goddamned things were just roaming FREE? That seems wildly irresponsible. They’re carnivorous. They can fly. They breathe fire. They’re enormous. At what point would anyone – in their ever-loving right mind – assess that situation and conclude that they’ll be OK just mingling about the Popcorn Chicken-like human world? Sure, she’s locking them up now but the horse has well and truly bolted already. BOO.
THE THIRD THING
There’s kids in the snow and then suddenly there’s… like… zombies? I’ve got no idea what’s going on. This whole section is woefully confusing. The zombies aren’t very nice. One of the kids dies. I think I heard the big fellow say “Hodor“? Anyway, a wolf saves one kid, an additional creepy kid brings them into a cave where they meet a guy who is also a tree but claims to be a raven with three eyes, despite the fact that he obviously a) Is not a bird, and b) Clearly only has two eyes. So we’re off to a belter of a start here, truth-telling wise. He tells a crawling kid that he will fly. Lie number three. Cave of lies. Liar’s cove.
You’re not a bird. You never will be a bird.
THE FOURTH THING
A very large gentleman is very gravely wounded. Two doctors fuss over him. One has given up hope already. I’ve seen far too many episodes of E.R. to know that this simply isn’t the case. There’s always something else. The other doctor pulls out the most enormous fucking needle I’ve ever seen and now I feel a bit sick. Another blonde Queen-type lets him do his thang on the giant man.
Blonde Queen #2 visits an older man who on first impression alone looks like a total dick. There’s a conversation that I’m going to go ahead and straight up assume is about incest. King Dick isn’t happy at all. Blonde Queen #2 runs off and immediately shags someone. Her brother? Probably. Incest! The whole thing is a half dozen black candles and a pentagram away from being a Satanic ritual.
m/
Post-coitus, Brother the Shagger breaks a dwarf out of a prison holding cell. They’re apparently brothers too, but can’t see each other ever again. Brother the Shagger leaves, and Brother the Dwarf looks at a flight of stairs pensively. Stairs…
Brother the Dwarf is now in someone’s bedroom. There’s a naked person on a bed. They’re not real happy to see each other and things get reasonably stabby reasonably quickly. Somehow Brother the Dwarf manages to kill her, because that’s how you interact with people in this world. He’s not real stoked on how things went down just now.
Brother the Dwarf now has a crossbow and surprises King Dick whom is pooping. Ah! King Dick is his Dad. That makes… some sort of sense, I guess. They talk for a while. King Dad wants Son the Dwarf to talk somewhere other than the crapper, which seems like an entirely reasonable request. But then King Dad calls the woman Son the Dwarf just murdered a whore, so Son the Dwarf naturally ARROWEDS King Dad on the loo twice and leaves him to die. I don’t know why, but I feel like cheering this.
In the immortal words of Jesse Pinkman, “YEAH, BITCH.“
THE FIFTH THING
Some buffoon didn’t tie up the horses and now two people have to walk. Idiot. They find a small girl doing some sick sword tricks. Apparently someone else is doing so many shits off screen somewhere. Big Shitter and Lady Knight have a tense stand off. Lady Knight’s got a sick sword and Big Shitter would like to have it. Lady Knight would like to protect Fencer Girl. Big Shitter’s having none of it. So they battle, and it’s brutal. Lady Knight picks up a rock and bashes Big Shitter’s face in with it, and he falls down a cliff. Yikes.
Fencer Girl finds Big Shitter and he’s dying. Lady Knight and the Buffoon have gone off looking for her but she’s a crafty wee lass and has given them the slip. Big Shitter is a bit of a jerk and Fencer Girl leaves him to die. Fair enough.
Fencer Girl somehow made it all the fucking way to a port by herself. Cripes. She tries paying off a boat captain to completely change his course but he doesn’t because that’s ridiculous. But then she shows him an Iron Coin and suddenly everything’s different, so WHY DIDN’T SHE JUST FUCKING WELL SHOW HIM THAT ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE? God.
The episode ends as Fencer Girl sails off into the sunset on a boat like a motherfucking boss.
“I fuuuuuuucked a merrrrmaaaaaaiiiiiiid!”
And thus ends my first foray into Game of Thrones.
GIFS via Uproxx.
