There’s no official authority that can actually do it, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that April Fool’s Day feels a bit off right now. Just a bit too much. A little bit too exhausting to even deal with.
To hell with it: April 1st is off the calendar this year. It’s March 32nd today, April 2nd tomorrow. That’s how it’s working this year. The global pandemic has exposed just about every other rule to be virtually made up and not important, so the calendar is too. Who gives a shit.
We can tack an extra day onto March if it means closing the door on any half-baked brand still gamely pushing ahead with their long-held April Fool’s plans. Given the waist-high swamp of shit we’ve all collectively trudged through together over the past few weeks, I reckon Watties can put their tinned jaffle press release on ice this time around. No one’s gonna lose any sleep if Bet365 rebranding as Bet366 for the leap year doesn’t cop its planned social media blitz today.
Together, we can collectively say that April 1st doesn’t exist this year. It’s off. It’s gone. It’s wiped off the map. It does not count at all. If we do this, maybe we can just get on with trying to deal with how existentially terrifying the outside world is right now, and that will be enough.
This plan is not without its pitfalls; those of you unlucky enough to have April 1st birthdays will have to postpone ageing for 12 months. Sorry, but you will have to wander the globe for 731 days before you age a year this time around. If those Benjamin Button-ass February 29ers can get by having a birthday once every four years, y’all can certainly wait an extra one.
The point here being: March absolutely sucked ass this year. But putting up with one more day of it is infinitely better than having to suffer through Arnott’s joking about a butt-flavoured Tim Tam or whatever.
So fuck it, it’s March 32nd.
That’s today’s date now.
