For decades Hollywood executives have been throwing fistfuls of chum at our fear of sharks, feeding our insecurities with looming underwater shadows and low camera angles that make the great fish (and their multiple rows of teeth) look monstrously prehistoric.
From the moment Spielberg thrust sharks into the spotlight as viscera-tearing predators in the all time classic Jaws, the creatures were established as cinema-going gold, and our fascination and fear of the magnificent beasts was forever ingrained with the channels of pop culture (film, television, Internet and so forth) providing an ongoing flow of contributions to the sharks-as-entertainment canon. From the classics to the new classics (we’re looking at you, Sharknado baby!) we’ve teamed up with Poliakov Vodka to bring you some of the greatest shark movies in history.
Poliakov also wants to offer you the incredible opportunity
to jump in a cage and experience sharks with your best mate. Before you go signing yourself up, best have a look at what you’ll be up against…
JAWS
Directed by Spielberg, this is hands down the ultimate shark movie. After a shark starts attacking people TO THE DEATH off the coast of fictional resort town Amity Island, a police chief (Roy Scheider), a marine scientist (a brilliantly in form Richard Dreyfuss) and weathered sea dog QUINT set out to catch it and realise they’re gonna need a bigger boat. Also worth watching are of course Jaws 2, Jaws 3-D and Jaws: The Revenge.
BAIT 3D
A freak tsunami traps shoppers in an Aussie supermarket – with a 12 foot great white shark. In stunningly bad 3D and it features ex-Home and Away stars Sharni Vinson and Lincoln Lewis.
SUPER SHARK
Continuing on with the unleashing of giant sharks from deep below is Super Shark. This one flies, walks on land and can take down fighter jets all the while threatening to turn the local bikini contest into a bloodbath.
OPEN WATER
Two scuba divers are accidentally left out at sea – did they never attend a school excursion? – in shark infested waters. Based on a true story (or as true as one can be when no one actually has any idea what happened to these two), Open Water is legit pretty scary – purely for the fact that it could actually happen.
MEGA SHARK VS CROCOSAURUS
The highly anticipated sequel to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, and the prequel to Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark. We’re not entirely sure why they’re fighting but this movie answers the age old question, who would win in a battle between a giant shark and a crocodile/dinosaur hybrid.
DEEP BLUE SEA
Searching for a cure for Alzheimer’s disease, one rogue scientist fucks with the genetics of three Mako sharks, increasing their brain capacity, in turn making them really freakin’ smart. And one thing you don’t want is a trio of organised sharks trying to eat you. After Samuel L Jackson makes an impassioned speech to stop everyone playing the blame game, a shark totally eats him. Revenge is the shark’s, Jackson you earnest fool.
2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK
The name says it all really: it’s a 2-headed shark, it attacks people. After the shark sinks a boat filled with uni students, the survivors wash up on a deserted atoll – only for a tsunami to hit and sweep them back out to open water again. Starring Carmen Electra, the shark manages to kill 26 people in 88 minutes – that’s one death every 3.38 minutes.
SHARKNADO
Sharks + a tornado = Sharknado. What more could you want from this epic made-for-TV movie? A man being swallowed by a flying shark holding a chainsaw who then escapes by killing the shark from the inside out? Done. Features Tara Reid and Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders from the original Beverley Hills: 90210!) so you know it’s good.
AVALANCHE SHARK
This one’s still yet to surface (why must the movie gods deny us of Avalanche Shark??), so all we can tell you is what they tell us: “After a horrific avalanche, the staff at Twin Pines Ski Resort starts to receive reports of missing people and creatures that move beneath the snow. As the body count piles up, the management tries to cover up the situation, which leads to disaster on their busiest day of the year: Bikini Snow Day. Spring break in the mountains: snowboarding, beer, drunken co-eds in bikinis.” We’re not even making this up.
FINDING NEMO
Finally some nice sharks and a welcoming lack of bimbos in bikinis. “Fish are friends, not food.” Remember that kids.
Honorable Mentions: The Reef, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, Space Sharks, Dinoshark, Jersey Shore Shark Attack and this cat:
