France Just Lost Shitloads Of Vials Containing Really Deadly Viruses

It’s ok. Try to remain calm. Just relax. Deep breaths. In and out. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fi-OH GOD WE’RE ALL SCREWED. A laboratory in Paris just casually let slip that they kind of, maybe, sort of, probably lost around 2000 vials that contain the deadly SARS virus. You know, that one that killed about 800 people in 2003. And they’re not even pretending that they’re worried about it, either. They’re just shrugging their shoulders and dismissing it like this kind of thing happens all the time. You MANIACS.

They insist that they really tried looking for them. Honest. “We looked for the boxes everywhere,” said Professor Bréchot, a stuffed white coat from the institute who’s probably hoarding a bunch of vaccines for himself as we speak, like the greedy dog that he is. He understands that it’s far too late to save everyone, and soon society will break down into a glorious dystopian wasteland where only the smart, not necessarily the strong, will survive. And, while I’m clearly on a roll here, who on earth leaves a bunch of SARS in a freaking box, for crying out loud? You store books in boxes. You store knick knacks, paraphernalia, wrapping paper or old school assignments in boxes. You store other boxes in boxes. You don’t store SARS in a box. You store SARS in a white, circular room fifty floors below the surface of the Earth in a static-free environment like it’s goddamned Magneto. That’s where you store SARS. Not in a freaking box. France please.
The lab’s official position is to say that, even if the samples were taken by someone, it’s entirely likely that they pose absolutely zero threat to anyone. “The tubes concerned have no infectious potential. Independent experts referred by health authorities have qualified the risk as ‘nil’” But a far more rationally alarmist statement would be to state that it’s patently obvious they were stolen in a high-tech heist as part of a grand plan for world domination concocted by a real-life super villain of Hank Scorpio proportions, and that soon he or she will enslave humanity on the back of it.
And I, for one, welcome our new global overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a semi-trusted journalist I can be useful in the rounding up of others to toil in your underground sugar caves.
Photo: Justin Sullivan via Getty Images.