If You Love Boats & Loathe Science, Get Jazzed For The 2020 Flat Earth Cruise

While you might not use these exact words, you quite likely understand the world to be an oblate spheroid. It’s very nearly perfectly ball-shaped, just a little thicker around the equator thanks to all that spinning it does. Most of us come to know this at a very early age. We have known this about the planet for thousands of years. As we all know, however, something at the core of human civilisation snapped in the last five years and everything has gone topsy-turvy. Up is down. Left is right. Flat earthers are real.

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Not only are they real, they are also frighteningly active. Far from being strange, solitary people in basements formulating insane theories for how the sun is a hologram, these people are organising goddamn cruises. From the people that brought you the Flat Earth International Conference 2018 (at which Logan Paul outed himself as being on the path of the flat earther) and will be bringing you the Flat Earth International Conference 2019, comes the Flat Earth Cruise 2020.

Described on the website as their “biggest, boldest adventure yet“, details are so far non-existent as to where the cruise will start from, where it will go, and what will be done. If it’s anything like any other cruise, it will largely consist of overpaying through the ass for too many colourful drinks in plastic cups in a paradoxical attempt to make you feel like you got your money’s worth.

The ocean is certainly a bold choice, for a few reasons. As former cruise ship captain Henk Keijer told The Guardian, nautical charts are drawn from projections that take into account that the Earth is not flat and also GPS works on using satellites positioned around the globe to triangulate position (you can tell it will be a problem because it’s got ‘global’ in the name). So it seems like, to be true to your values, you would really need a captain who believes that navigation is fake, which sounds bad.

Secondly, this sort-of affords them the opportunity to really test their beliefs. Traditionally (lol), flat earthers are of the belief that the world is a disc (duh) surrounded by an ice wall.

Drive that boat right up to the motherfucking ice wall, my dudes.