Another year, another Prime Minister, another 12 months of #Auspol memories both awkward and delightful.
We at PEDESTRIAN.TV have been so impressed with all our politicians this year, as they managed to fumble, fluster, and fuck-right-up their way through another exciting year.
If our high school educations taught us anything it’s that a year end without an awards ceremony is a year end wasted. So we took matters into our own hands and HANDED THE BLOODY THINGS OUT.
The ‘Has Anyone Got Some Gum?’ Award goes to… ex-Prime Minister Tony Abbott
…for accessorising his suit-and-blue-tie look with a nice pair of speed dealers.
On ‘ya, Tone. You’re doing Trinny and Susannah and Kev from the pub proud, you are.
The ‘Most Likely To Call Their Grandma A “Cunt” Affectionally’ Award goes to… Minister for Industry Christopher Pyne
…for slipping this one into morning television:
Education Minister Christopher Pyne admitted earlier on TODAY Tony Abbott may not have the support to keep the top job but watch this response to Anthony Albanese that’s quickly going viral. #Today9
Yeah. Sick one kent.
The ‘Bob The Creepy Builder’ Award goes to… Christopher Pyne
…for fixing it.
In March this year, C. Pyne wrongly claimed that if universities were deregulated, then some 1,700 scientific research positions would be axed. And boy-oh-boy, a redaction has never sounded creepier.
And just once more for safety:
Hello yes can I interest you in some bleach today sir?
The ‘Mason Jar Award’ goes to… ex-PM Tony Abbott
…for fucking up how you’re supposed to eat food.
Christ, that man’s legacy will literally be red budgie smugglers, “stop the boats” and onions. Can whoever’s manning the new Manly-Mosman Council’s sausage sizzle at next year’s election keep an eye out for this one, please?
The ‘Bravery In The Face Of Extreme Sexual Appeal’ Award goes to… Barnaby Joyce
…for literally threatening to kill Johnny Depp‘s dogs, Pistol and Boo, despite – we add – Mr Depp being named ‘Sexiest Man Alive‘. Twice.
ACTUAL QUOTE: “If we start letting movie stars – even though they’ve been the sexiest man alive, twice – to come into a nation, then why don’t we just break the laws for everyone.”
# BARNABY’S THIRSTY # BARNABY’S THIRSTY # BARNABY’S THIRSTY
The ‘Just Waiting For A Mate’ Award goes to… ex-Speaker of the House Bronwyn Bishop
…for failing to justify her mode of transport of choice.
Happily, it brought us all closer together by giving us the chance to meme the bajeesus out of it.
^^^ h/t to whoever posted that on PEDESTRIAN JOBS ^^^
The ‘Sir, You’re Making A Scene’ Award goes to… the Australian Flag.
…for having zero chill.
Guys. Shit got really, really out of hand this year. WTF happened? Did someone put the male flags and the female flags in the same cupboard by accident? Was there a really over-enthusiastic set designer on the pay-roll? Did we reach… flagmaggedon?
Photo: Mike Tsikas / AAP.
Luckily, before things reached epidemic proportions, the Coalition found a cure.
Photo: Stefan Postles / Getty.
The ‘Corey Worthington ‘Any House Is A Party House” Award goes to… Tony Abbott
…for throwing the Riverview Class of ’75’s 40 Year Reunion / Kiribilli Wine Mixer at Kirribilli House four days after being ousted as the Prime Minister of Australia, and showing us his true personality as a privately educated North Shore boy who’s always down to partay with da boyyyyz.
When you break a marble table and quietly cover it up, then you’ve partied like a North Shore private school boy.
The Billy Bruffey Award for “Loosest Unit In Parliament” goes to… Clive Palmer
…for posting a touching farewell message to Bronwyn Bishop as she stepped down as Speaker of the House.
Goodbye Bronwyn Goodbye.The Member for Denison Andrew Wilkie and I will move a no confidence motion against the speaker if she hasn’t resigned by the time parliament resumes.
Posted by Clive Palmer on Wednesday, 29 July 2015
When you look closer… yep, he definitely got someone to film that.
The ‘Foot-In-Mic’ Award Goes To… Immigration Minister Peter Dutton
…for exceptional skills at nailing the right climate change joke, wrong time.
The ‘OMFG ALL U H8ERS ARE JUST JEALOUS LOL’ Award goes to… Julie Bishop
…for shading the living shit out of Penny Wong on the correct use of emojis.
— Julie Bishop (@JulieBishopMP) October 21, 2015
The emoji dragging came out in Senates, all thanks to Julie Bishop using an angry face emoji to describe Vladimir Putin in an interview earlier this year. And people wonder why we go through PMs at the rate that we do.
The ‘Ross Gellar Dorkasauras Of The Year’ Award goes to… Leader of the Opposition Bill Shorten
…for dancing like a champ even though he lost all his mates..
The ‘My Dog Ate My Homework And Then Tried To Gay Marry Me’ Award goes to… Cory Bernardi
…for publicly misquoting Voltaire on Twitter.
As luck would have it, “To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise,” – which Cory tweeted out one fateful December day – is not from the French Enlightenment writer, but rather a misquote from a white supremacist, neo-Nazi, Holocaust denier, and paedophile by the name of Kevin Alfred Strom. Goodness Kevin, where do you find the time?
This was a particularly pleasing moment for Twitter, since the cohorts ALSO began misquoting Voltaire to their hearts’ content, and ultimately shamed Cory into deleting his entire Twitter history and replacing it with this:
The extra mile is never crowded.
— Cory Bernardi (@corybernardi) December 18, 2015
- Mike Baird – live tweeting The Bachelorette.
- Joe Hockey – ‘get a good job’.
- Tony Abbott – wind farm shaming.
- Tony Abbott / Anthony Albanese (tied) – skolling a beer.
- Sam Dastyari – getting Taylor Swift into hansard.
- George Brandis – his daggy jumper.
- Peter Dutton – #OperationFortitude.
- Eric Abetz – ‘the negro American’.